Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Romantic Kissing

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I recently had a date. It ended in a kiss and afterward she said, “We need to teach you how to kiss.” I had no idea I was a bad kisser! We have another date next week and I need some tips on how to kiss like a champ.

-Brian

Lady Bun Sucks Your Face

If you are a lady with this problem, pay very close attention: Knowing how to kiss is important because it shows men you’ve used your mouth for something other than vocalizing feelings or screaming at yogurt. In fact, studies show that women who are bad at kissing are socio-economically worth less than most shitty kids in the third world. Some countries even use bad women kissers to test out dangerous shampoos, or as much cheaper prostitutes. But hope isn’t lost. Thanks to my limited knowledge and your willingness to use your mouth for just about anything, these tips will take you from smoochin’ to coochin’ in no time.

·    Your mouth is only the third thing men notice after your tits and fears. It is important to call attention to it to really set the mood for a good kiss. Try licking your lips constantly or holding a complete season of Breaking Bad between your teeth.
·    Let him teach you! The old cherry stem trick is a great way to learn how to kiss together. Just have him put a cherry stem in your mouth and then try to tie it in a knot using only his penis.
·    Use your crippling insecurity to your advantage! Think of kissing as your tongue searching for a compliment inside his mouth. The answer to, “Am I skinny or pretty enough” is probably hidden somewhere between his gums!
·    The term “kiss” comes from the Latin for “mouth war,” so remember to treat your kissing like Vietnam and make it long, violent, and pointless.

Here are some “ice breakers” that are sure to set the mood for some mouth to mouth time:
·    “In college people called me the kissing bandit because I loved kissing and also I was arrested for grand larceny four times.”
·    “You know how to rape whistle, don’t you? You just put your lips together and call 911.”
·     “Wanna play seven minutes in heaven? That’s where we go in the closet and I try to dress you like the last guy who dumped me.”

Hot Dog Slobbers You Up First off, Brian, let’s stop saying “like a champ” unless you’re currently living inside a Foot Locker. Secondly, kissing is one of the easiest things in the world to do, but it’s surprising how many guys mess it up. Lucky for you I have a foolproof plan to make you a better kisser in just nine easy steps. Remember, a good kisser practices CONFIDENCE, ORAL, LOVE, OLIVES, SECRETS, TATTOO, OLIVES (again), METER, and YACK. I know that sounds like a lot, but use this easy pneumonic device to help you remember: Cats Of Lisbon! Overthrow Soviet Tigers! Or Make Yogurt! It also spells this handy acronym: COLOSTOMY. I know what you’re thinking! “Quit being a such a love nerd and talk to me like I’m a PERSON!” Right?!?!! What does all this techno-speak mean! Well, have no fear, here’s the breakdown to my easy-to-follow steps to being a better kisser: 1. CONFIDENCE! Women want to feel like you’re sweeping them off their feet! Try kicking her legs out from underneath her the next time you kiss! Then hold her upright with your tongue!

2.  ORAL! You gotta have a mouth to kiss! If you don’t have a mouth try making one using wax or by putting teeth in a vagina. If she doesn't have a mouth, fold her arm and lick the crevice inside her elbow.

3.  LOVE! When she’s kissed, a woman wants to feel like your tongue is a singing telegram and the message is, “I love you.” If you don’t love her, trick her mouth into thinking you do by imagining that she’s something you do love, like pizza or long walks.

4. OLIVES – Italian men are amazing kissers (and also the most rapey seeming of the Europeans, but hey, they created aqueducts!), so keep some olives in your pocket to make you smell more Italian!

5. SECRETS – Women love secrets. That’s why they deny farts and abortions. See, secrets are a big part of a woman’s life, starting with her vagina, which in Latin means "Terrible Secret Valley." Keep your own secret in your head while kissing to make you seem more attractive to a lady. My secret is that I breast-fed until the age of five. I think about that when I kiss ladies. (It's my personal Viagra!)

6. TATTOO - Imagine your tongue is a tattoo gun and you're inking your name onto the roof of her mouth. Quick, sharp tongue strikes are essential to a good kiss!

7. OLIVES (again!) – One of my secrets is, “You can never have too many olives.” Keep some more olives in your cheeks when kissing, just in case that kiss lasts too long and you get hungry. It's very European!

8. METER - Keep the meter on! Kissing is a lot like taking a cab, in that you need to know what your destination is, it will be hard to understand each other while it's happening, and you can't smoke while you do it (unless both of you are really drunk). Before you start kissing decide if your destination is Fuckleton, or just a quick stop at Heavy Petting Drive. Then keep an eye on the meter and get out before it gets too expensive!

9. YACK - In closing, don't throw up! A lot of people's first reaction to having a foreign tongue in their mouth is to reject it by vomiting. (At least I know I did, LOL!) Prevent this very normal human autonomic response by thinking about doing diarrhea while you kiss (it's the opposite of vomiting). There you go! Now you are the best kisser next to a vacuum cleaner with Silly Putty around its nozzle! Enjoy the rewards! You're fucking welcome!

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
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Previously - Online Dating Advice