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31 MONT ROYAL: That big hill with the cross on it is what Montréaler’s call “The Mountain.” While it’s far from majestic, Frederick Law Olmsted, of Central Park fame, designed the park there in 1876. You can walk up to the top and see the city every now and then through cleared-out tree lines. Once you get to the top, it’s easy to forget you’re in the city because it’s so fucking gorgeous.

STAIRCASES: Ever notice how second-floor duplexes in Montréal have stairs on the outside? Weird, eh? Well, thanks to a 19th-century law stipulating that a green space be left in front of buildings—forcing builders to maximize indoor space—Montréalers have to risk their lives every winter shoveling these wrought-iron death traps.  CRESCENT STREET: In case you haven’t already heard, Crescent Street blows. It’s in the heart of English downtown and is basically just shitty bars full of cougars and meatheads trying to out-dumb each other.  COPS: When you have a run-in with Montréal cops, the key to getting out of it with all your teeth is to play the tourist. If you speak French, save it for trying to get laid or haggling over the price of a piece of pizza. If the cops think you live here and you’re being an asshole, they’ll have one hand on the pepper spray and the other on your throat. MARIJUANA: The weed in Montréal is exceptionally good and not impossible to come by. Most locals have a reliable source including a biker-run delivery service that is convenient and quality. You can usually smoke on the streets without being bothered by the pigs, just don’t get all up in their faces about it. BAGELS: Montréal bagels kick the living shit out of New York bagels, period. If you want a classic late-night treat, the place to go is St. Viateur Bagels 33 near the corner of St. Viateur and Ave. du Parc and grab a few fresh out the oven. Your mouth will thank you. UNDERGROUND CITY: Can we please call bullshit on the Underground City? Yes, it is underground, but it’s not a city, nor is it a postapocalyptic maze of mole-men with giant eyes or even C.H.U.D.s, it’s really just a bunch of hallways connecting metro (subway) stations and malls. EATING: While there’s plenty of cheap eats around town, if you’ve got even a little money left over at the end of your trip, it might be fun to blow it on an amazing meal. L’Express 34, Au Pied Du Cochon 35, Au Petit Talep 36, and Marven’s 37 are all to-kill-for.