Volume 0 Issue montreal
French Words
Contrary to what you may have heard, it’s entirely possible to survive in Montréal without speaking a lick of French.
Hood Guide
Mile End is Montréal’s Williamsburg, complete with good restaurants, tons of bands, and Hasidic Jews that will cross the street rather than walk next to you.
Medieval Guys
Sometimes living in Montréal is like living in a giant Medieval Times. Among the multitudes of dirty hippies and burnouts that congregate on the mountain every weekend, a certain subgroup stands out.
Park Drinking
Guess what? Montréal is a hellish frozen wasteland for 6 months out of the year. We’re not just talking a little nippy here, we’re talking Jack-Frost-sucking-your-eyes-out-and-making-love-to-your-ocular-sockets cold.
St. Laurent
You’ll probably hear some hipsters talking shit about how they never go to St. Laurent anymore and how it’s so “over.” Fuck that. Those people are just allergic to something we call “fun.”
Strip Clubs
Quebec is hands down the horniest province in Canada. As you read this sentence, somebody somewhere in Montréal is having the most dome-blowing orgasm ever.
Top 8 Poutines
Poutine is a gooey clusterfuck of french fries, coagulated gravy, and cheese curds, and it’s Quebec’s preeminent culinary triumph.
Tout Le Monde Tout Nu!!!!
Montréalers love looking at boobies. So much so, they inject nudity into everyday tasks whenever they can. At one point, Montréal boasted an erotic haircut parlor, a naked car wash, and even a naked aquarium (girls would swim around in giant fish tanks).
What Else...
When you have a run-in with Montréal cops, the key to getting out of it with all your teeth is to play the tourist. If you speak French, save it for trying to get laid or haggling over the price of a piece of pizza.
Wrestling Chez Nous
Canada has always produced world-class wrestlers—the Hart brothers, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Killer Kowalski—but Quebec breeds the craziest ones of all.
DO's and DON'Ts
Why couldn’t Peaches have been hot like her? That way instead of imagining a big Canadian hairy bush we could fantasize about a hairless peach that smells like rose petals.