A Nerd Stole Bitcoins and Rand Paul Plagiarized Wikipedia

Image of Bill de Blasio loving America via

Before I begin recapping why America was a terrible place to live in this week, let's celebrate that the 99 percenters have finally found their own real American mayor in New York City's new mayor, Bill de Blasio. Running on a platform that isn’t too far removed from Anne Hathaway’s sultry op-eds to Christian Bale’s ear in the third, overly-long Batman movie, Bill won in landslide victory, receiving roughly 73 percent of the vote. This gives him the mandate to do whatever the hell he pleases, which ideally will include re-growing his kickass mullet. Opponents fear the city will now be run by union bosses, corporate tycoons are gearing up for him to trickle down all over trickle-down theory, and Chris Christie could give two shits because he's too busy trying to keep assholes from converting gays. What about me? Well, I'm excited that we, as an electorate, are done giving a shit about whether or not an elected official once smoked pot.

Image of Rand Paul looking smug via

And now here's some news for you to cry about. Apparently, Rand Paul can't help himself from copying and pasting other people's work when he writes his column. (He also allegedly enjoys plagiarizing Wikipedia in his speeches.) What are we to conclude from this news? Do we hate Rand because he lacks a moral compass, or should we expect nothing better from a Tea Party mouthpiece? Or do we give Rand a get-a-way pass, because we’re all walking Girl Talk songs—mash-ups of other people’s mash-ups? I say we stop debating and just focus on the fact that Rand settles his arguments by challenging haters to sword fights.

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UNESCO stands for United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization, and it’s an acronym everyone with a brain should get behind. Through worldwide literacy programs, defence of independent media, and projects spreading technical expertise and scientific knowledge around the globe, the organization contributes to international peace and security. In other words, it tricks people into working together towards common goals so they don't have time to kill each other. 195 nations comprise the group, but last week, two member nations lost their voting privileges because for the past two years, they’ve refused to pay their dues. The two countries are America and Israel, who have been keeping their money from this pretty wonderful venture in order to prove a point. Knowing those two are involved, can you guess the reason they're withholding money from a good cause? Hint: It’s religious in nature, starts with a p and ends with an e. Oh, why be so coy? It’s Palestine, duh!

Image of a nerd convention via

Once upon a time, a bunch of nerds got together and went into a basement. After a few soda pops and a quick hit from a crack pipe, one nerd stood up and said, “Fuck money. Let’s make our own goddamn currency!” So off they went into their wired-up gnome holes where they made our first digital only currency: Bitcoin. Some other idiots believed bitcoins were worth spending money on, Bitcoin’s value skyrocketed, and then this week someone stole 4,100 bitcoins ($1.04 million worth of Bitcoin), which seems insane until you remember that someone invented Bitcoin in the first place.

Image of scientific evidence against creationism via

Some readers have complained that these news recaps are biased against those who believe in God—and that’s because they are biased. However, to not alienate any potential Rick Paulas superfans who also are down with God, I’ve decided to help Christ’s cause this week and give my religious readers a little of papa’s advice. As I’m sure all you believers know, science jerks are always trying to rain on Christianity’s parade with scientific proof that dinosaurs existed and evolution is real. Well, next time nerds whip out numbers and math, tell them how scientists discovered a new ligament in the human body this week. Just this week. And then be like, “So how accurate can your precious science really be?” And then sing a verse from Jesus Christ Superstar, kick up your heels, take a break, and go get a beer, because, you know what, big fella? You earned one.

@RickPaulas

Previously - Google Built Barges and Scientists Produced Link-Bait