What's New in Meat V
Jan 30 2013
This is the column where basically I dig through the internet for the most interesting (read: grossest) news stories involving meat and shit them out for you in soft, semi-digested info-morsels. We haven’t had one for a while because to be honest, the last one made me so sad I had to take a few months off from doing it. I’m back now and my arteries are harder than ever. So without further ado, welcome to the first Meat News of 2013. With luck, it’ll be out of your colon by 2040.
It must be fun being a paleontologist. You get to spend your life working on shit that has absolutely no relevance to current day life, yet people still kind of respect you. For example, scientists have been busy working out which dinosaurs were the most delicious. This is good because if you did travel back in time to kill and butcher a dinosaur, you’d be pretty bummed if you chose a gristly one.
For the record, if you want wild-tasting red meat, the Ornithomimosaur is for you. Fast growing and lean, this ostrich like dinosaur would be most prized for it’s giant drumstick shaped legs. For a lighter white meat option, the Ankylosaur was a slow moving plant eater who is believed to have less fatty flesh. And if you just want a steak, the Sauropoda’s long neck would provide a perfect cut.
On the other hand, the T-Rex wasn’t as delicious as you’d think, as most of the high quality meats are thought to belong to slow moving herbivores. Meat eaters like Rex ate the decaying meat of already dead animals and according to Professor Varricchio from Montana State University, “they would be pretty parasite-laden”.
HORSE MEAT CALCULATOR
British beef lovers faced some unfortunate meat realities this month after it was revealed that horsemeat was found in the burgers of three large companies. Ten million burgers were taken off shelves after the horse DNA was detected, with family favorite Tesco taking the (beef) cake after one of their brands tested positive to containing 29% horse.
Following the global outcry, the Australian meat industry has conducted random tests on meats from butchers across the country, and has found no traces of horse. But if you’re unfortunate enough to have already consumed a few of horsey UK burgers, you can calculate your average lifetime horse ingestion here.
TRACK MY MAC
Following the horse related unease about what’s in our meat, McDonalds has responded the way responsible companies do in the 21st century. With an app.
The TrackMyMacca’s app tracks selected menu items during their journey from the farm to your plate. We assume they’re still working on the upgrade where they track the food from your tray to your grease soaked, impacted colon.
ALLIGATOR FAT AS FUEL
Fat isn’t a cut of meat, but it is what makes meat taste good, so we let it slide. Alligator meat and skin has become pretty popular over the past decades, but until now there wasn’t a whole lot of use for their fat (15 million pounds of it are dumped into landfills each year). But researchers at the University of Louisiana are finding more resourceful uses for this byproduct, and see it as a prime candidate for animal-derived biodiesel.
Tradition biofuels from corn and soybeans have been criticized for wasting food sources that could be better distributed in famine affected areas. Looking for other alternatives scientists have turned to the huge amount of wasted alligator fat. When they refined the fat’s oil they found its acid profile met all the requirements for high-quality biodiesel.
Alligators, good for your handbag, great for your car.
Previously - What's New in Meat IV
What We Learned About Australians By Looking At Their Weird Google Searches
Holy Shit, It's Ten Years Since Eddy Current Suppression Ring Released “Get Up Morning”
Know Your Missiles
A Day of Anti-Racist Anarchy with Antifa
This is How Mexico City Celebrated 3-1 Against Croatia
Katy Strange Photographed Everyone Who Slept in Her Bed for Two Years
The Kanye West Guide to Life
Comics: High School Urban Sex Legends
What I Learned from Edward Snowden at the Hacker Conference
Journalists and Attorneys Are Increasingly Adopting Spycraft