SCRUB 'N TUG

Craigslist is the internet dumping ground for everything from soiled mattresses to BMWs. Their erotic services section has been known to help young, reasonably attractive people out when they are in a financial pinch. Usually both parties walk away paid or laid and unscathed, except for that whole Philip Markoff thing…Anyway, I spoke to a young entrepreneur who offers nude services online, such as housecleaning and hair cutting. "N," as he will be known, is a 21 year old gentleman with an asymmetrical haircut, full pouty lips and a slightly chubby physique.

Vice: How did you get into nude housecleaning?
N: Well, I obviously needed money pretty badly, I was living between places at the time. I decided to put an ad on Craigslist because any kind of nude services do well on there. Old men just want to watch young, nubile bodies in action. Some friends of mine work as a duo and do nude baking and cooking. I made a compromise with myself, and I figured I might as well use my body to make some money. It's not like this is straight up prostitution, far from it.

Tell me about losing your nude housecleaning virginity.
I got a reply and we had a back and forth discussion via email about what he was looking for and what I was willing to offer. Any extra details are always arranged beforehand, I try to be smart about it. I Googled his name and found out he had a reputable career in the fashion industry so I knew at least he would have money to pay me. When I got there I stripped to my undies and got down to business. I walked away with $100 for two hours of work. He told his upstairs neighbor about me but he must have kept the "nude" part a secret because afterward I went upstairs and cleaned his apartment too but I kept my clothes on.

What's a typical work day like?
I usually show up in the morning or after 5pm because most people have normal jobs. I think it's pretty similar to any other housecleaning job, except for the nudity and the occasional happy ending. I am usually out of there in one or two hours.

That seems pretty civilized. What do your clients do when you're going at it?
Some men sit there and just smoke cigarettes and watch me work. Sometimes they touch themselves in front of me. They tend to watch me when I have to bend over and clean under things. Sometimes men will compliment my body. They'll be like, "Oh you're so hot" and I'll be like "thanks…do you want me to clean the mirror too?" No matter what, they also watch me to a certain degree to make sure I'm actually cleaning.

So they like staring at a young naked man but they also expect a clean house.
Well yes, but ultimately it's more about the experience of watching. I take pride in my work so I do a pretty spiffy job. I sweep, mop and dust. I don't really do windows but I'll do mirrors. It's not like I'm shampooing carpets or taking out the trash in a thong. Most of the time I forget I'm naked, I become so involved in the process. I'm not so much like that with my own place though because I'm not getting paid.

Has there ever been a situation where you've been like "Bitch please, I'm not cleaning that"?
No, I clean everything. When I clean something I want to do a good job. I like watching the progression from dirty to clean.

What about a big pile of crusty dishes?
I don't mind, I like doing dishes. But a lot of clients see the kitchen as a personal place in their house. They prefer to clean it themselves. I think it's kind of a control thing. They know the proper places for everything; they know where all their dishes go.

So no problems cleaning stuff like poo or jizz?
Well toilets are always gross, who knows what's happening there. But I always clean them and make them sparkle.

I think I could tell you what's happening there. Anyway, how does a nude housecleaner look his best?
Sometimes I wear little aprons or rubber gloves. Thongs are a popular request because I have a pretty cute butt.

Any other particular clothing requests?
I get a lot of guys asking me to wear athletic socks, the kind with the three rings around the top. Running shoes are also a big thing. Tighty whiteys are eternally popular. A lot of men want the high school jock stereotype personified. Maybe it's some kind of revenge of the nerds fantasy.

Do you ever get those uneasy, existential WTF feelings about doing this kind of work?
Never. Once I had to clean the apartment of an obese grease-ball and I felt pretty yucky after that but he gave me $100 for one hour. I think he felt bad. I have always been able to separate myself from the job, there's no intimacy with the person, it's just a show.

C'mon, be honest. You never get boners on the job?
Well, there was this one man who had me clean his study. He was sitting in a leather chair watching me and smoking a pipe. I think he might have been a German professor because he had a very heavy accent. The smell of his tobacco was very intoxicating. He had me dust all these old leather-bound books and polish his wooden bookcases. I think there was definitely a teacher/student fantasy at work there. I wouldn't say I enjoyed it particularly, but it was a kind of surreal experience.

Have you ever been surprised by the type of men who were contacting you?
Well I have had Hassidic men call me on a few occasions, but I've never actually cleaned houses for any of them. One man called saying housecleaning was an "option" but then the conversation turned into him pleading to blow me. That was a little too weird for me; I had to turn him down. But in retrospect I probably should have done it. I would do it now. Nothing really surprises me anymore.

I can imagine. Hey, do you have any good cleaning tips? My toilet is pretty filthy.
For toilets I like to spray an oxygen cleaner like Oxyclean on the bowl. I usually put some Comet and let it sit for a bit. Then I go in with an SOS pad and scrub down the inside of the bowl. Then I wipe it clean with a cloth to get off the excess moisture. I really like to make it sparkle, toothbrushes help for that. Once a guy made me use his own toothbrush, that was pretty gross. KRISTINA MAHLER