Ten Reasons Why... the 'Why Men Cheat' Video Is Annoying

Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit. PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #19: EMILY HARTRIDGE'S VIDEOS ARE FUNNY

There are some rare things in this internet wonderland of teenage Gypsies and Super Sweet Sixteens, that I really regret being introduced to. One of them is a mild obsession with Youtube ‘hauls’, which are videos of teenage girls from Derby and Middle America talking you through all the shit they just bought from Forever 21. Another is getting-to-know-people-via-their-Ebay-items-for-sale, which is equally eye-achingly addictive and about as enjoyable as looking up your boyfriend’s exes on 123people.com. For annoying habits though, Emily Hartridge takes the biscuit. Sorry world, it’s just that when I happen to come across something so infuriatingly stupid, so null and absurd, I have to grumble. For ages. You, Emily Hartridge, darling of The Daily Mail and foe to sensible intelligent people everywhere, are guilty. If you’re unlucky enough to read this article, please take note, because the worst thing about your videos is that you obviously have absolutely no idea how excruciatingly dismal they really are.

To start things off on the right wing, SORRY I mean foot, the video in question, 10 Reasons Why Men Cheat, is introduced with an anti-feminist disclaimer (oh, whine, I know everyone hates the word feminist today, but I’m serious it’s, word for word, ‘I don’t understand what feminism is’). Emily babe, if you don’t agree with feminism what the hell are you doing not being pregnant and not shutting the fuck up. The second of which, I’m loath to admit, would be a real positive IMO. Without further ado, please find below ten revised reasons why this video is fucking stupid. Before you say anything, yes I’m aware it’s a ‘joke’. It’s just not funny, at all.

This video is apparently directed towards women, but claiming that she’s taking the piss out of men will never distract from the fact that she’s just said: “You all seem to think I’m a big feminist and a man hater. I really do assure you that’s not the case.” Jesus Emily, how boring and archaic and almost hilarious, that you still associate feminism with man-hating. No wonder The Daily Mail freaking love you, it’s like you’ve walked straight out of the 1950s and into a world where people fuck around being casually sexist and running around in parks. Are you trolling us with a highly accurate parody of an idiot? If so, please come and work for VICE.

Given that this is self-described as ‘wry’ and that you’re ‘taking the piss’ can you please be clearer about your targets? I’m struggling to understand what you’re actually trying to say, and trust me that is hard enough already with the inane faces you keep pulling as you run manically past your camera again and again. Are you criticising the staid assumption that men are Neanderthal womanisers by imitating a sexist woman? Are you questioning to what extent our culture really allows a person to exist without being classified by their gender? I refuse to believe that these are actually just your pure, agenda-free thoughts, because they are TOO. STUPID.

Emily Hartridge says: “As a girl, we can be really annoying. I know this isn’t something we like to admit often because we generally think we’re quite perfect, but we can nag, and we can be massive pain in the arses.”

PGB says: Can you just replace every ‘we’ in this sentence with “I”, I promise I will have no further complaints. K? Oh yeah, and scratch that “as a girl” bit, too, if you don’t mind.

Emily Hartridge says: “Be honest ladies, we’ve all uttered those words in bed: ‘Oh honey I’m sooo tired! What I’d really wuv is a spoon and a cuddle.’

PGB says: Not once have I struggled with the problem of my boyfriend cheating because I wanted to cuddle him in bed. Maybe the times when I shout, “GTFO before I fucking kill you!!” would be more appropriate, but cuddling? Yeah, that’s a no.

Emily Hartridge says: “When men think they can get away with it, they’ll probably do it.”

PGB says: Have you heard of sexism Emily? Because it’s alive and taking over your video, so you might wanna wiki it quickly and check that you try to avoid it in future. Here’s a heads up: Every time you attribute one characteristic to an entire gender and get written about on The Daily Mail, give yourself a big pat on the back for being that one step closer to having your very own confederacy of dunces. Yay!

Emily Hartridge says: “It’s a fact. Men love a challenge, and as a girlfriend you are no longer a challenge.”

PGB says: I forgot to pay attention to this one because the 400 clips of you and your boyfriend running around after each other filmed on a shaky camera phone were enough to make me angry on their own. Sawreeee.

Emily Hartridge says: “If a situation does arise where more than one woman wants to fool around with your man, he probably needs to have a vagina for him to reject that.”

PGB says: Yeah hilarious, but promoting the stereotype that men are unable to resist sex, encourages mistrust and negative competition between women. This in turn breeds a desperate need to look ‘better’ than your peers, propagating the beauty myth which Naomi Wolf wrote about in a book, which I’m almost 100% certain you haven’t read. If you ever do, Ten Reasons Why Women Feel the Need to Spend Half Their Wages on Personal Upkeep might be a really interesting video.

Emily Hartridge says: “My boobs are not that small!”

PGB says: Wow, shut up.

The Pyjama Dance:

Emily Hartridge says: “It’s in our nature”

PGB says: The only thing that you and I share ‘in our nature’ is a need to eat, sleep and die. How we behave in relationships and/or spend our leisure time has less in common than Malcolm X and Miley Cyrus.

xoxo

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Previously: Pretty Girl Bullshit - Boys Don't Think You're Gross

Catch up on your Pretty Girl Bullshit here.