Left Stand Up!

I am not interested in engaging in an open discussion! Got it!? I don’t give a fuck about your opinions! To me your opinions are evil, and your existence is worthless. As someone who is on the more liberal side of things, I personally think this side needs to be a little less open. I know that’s part of what it means to be on the more liberal side of things, but that trait can no longer really be a part of our makeup. The simple reason for this is that the opposing side uses our openness to their full advantage. They attack, knowing that we’ll take it. We’re the weaklings in the schoolyard and they are the fucking bullies.

I honestly don’t see how anyone can view the GOP and the right as anything but evil. They are not playing on the same field in any stretch of the imagination. The word “Nazi” gets thrown around a lot, but is it really that different? We don’t have any choice in the decisions our leaders make, we are in a state of perpetual war, we…

[phone rings]

Hold on one second I have to answer this, it’s my agent.

[Brett picks up phone]

BRETT: Hey buddy duddy buttsky! What’s goin’ on?

AGENT: Got some exciting news. Some very exciting news indeed.

BRETT: And what news, pray tell, could be so exciting.

AGENT: How would you like to be the face of the NEW asbestos.

BRETT: The new asbestos? What’s the new asbestos?

AGENT: Well it’s just like the old asbestos, only it’s way newer, and way cooler.

BRETT: Hmmmmm, I don’t know.

AGENT: What’s not to know. This is a real opportunity here.

BRETT: In what ways is the new asbestos newer and cooler?

AGENT: Well they just came out with it, so it’s way newer, and, as we all know, anything new these days is cool. AKA “new” is what’s “cool” right now.

BRETT: Right? And I’m the face of it? What does that exactly mean?

AGENT: You’re “Mr. Asbestos,” you are asbestos and asbestos is you. All you’d have to dye your hair and skin pink.

BRETT: My skin and hair pink?

AGENT: Just temporarily. This way people know that you’re Mr. Asbestos, and that way people remember that the NEW Asbestos is a lot newer and cooler.

BRETT: Why would that make people think that?

AGENT: You being all pink sends the message that the new cool asbestos is so new and cool, it inspired you to dye yourself all pink. And the only way someone would dye themselves to look just like asbestos is if they thought asbestos was really cool. You’d basically be changing the world’s whole perspective on asbestos as we know it.

BRETT: I don’t know if I want to do that?

AGENT: Why would you not want to do that.

BRETT: Isn’t asbestos bad?

AGENT: WAS bad. IS new and cool.

BRETT: How much would I get paid for this?

AGENT: 2,000 dollars.

BRETT: 2,000 dollars?! No fucking way!

AGENT: Hear me out on this! 2,000 dollars is the new 2 million dollars.

BRETT: Really?

AGENT: Nobody makes 2 million dollars anymore. I mean, in this economy you’re lucky if you made 2 dollars. So if that’s the case, 2 thousand dollars is really, when you think about it, a whole bunch of mula.

BRETT: Does that money have to go to me dyeing myself pink?

AGENT: No! That’s the beauty of it! They will pay for the pink!

BRETT: They will pay for the pink?

AGENT: THEY… WILL… PAY… FOR… THE PINK.

BRETT: OK. Let’s do it.

AGENT: You’re goddamn right let’s do it! Good move Gelmonster! GOOD… MOVE!

BRETT: Cool, keep me posted.

AGENT: Will do. I love you.

BRETT: I… love you… too? [Brett hangs up the phone]

Sorry about that. Had to take it. Anyway, as I was saying, we are in a state of perpetual war, environmental catastrophe, and economic disintegration! This is not because of us! This is because of them! As in the powers that be, and they MUST be held accountable for their unspeakable crimes. It’s time for us to man up. Reform begins from nothing, which will be all we have if we do nothing. DO SOMETHING! ALL HAIL GELMANIA!

@brettgelman

Previously – Jesus/Hitler