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Girl Eats Food: The Cookbook

All your favourite recipes in one place.

by Joanna Fuertes Knight

January 18, 2012, 10:00am

Joanna Fuertes-Knight has been teaching you guys how to cook for so bloody long now, that we thought she deserved her own VICE.com cookbook.

So, finally, here is a compendium of every meal she's ever poured her blood, sweat and tears into on this here website.

We'll be updating it weekly with her new recipes, so don't forget to bookmark it.

ELVIS PRESLEY PLATTER

It'll be just like you're hanging out with The King, shitting yourselves to death in Heaven.

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LINGERIE LONGANISA

It's "rustic" food, but not for pricks.

ANGEL DELIGHT COOKIES

These make Zooey Deschanel look like that chick who got boned to death by a horse.

BAKED BEAN GNOCCHI

A hideously delicious corruption of Italian food that will make Mama cry.

EASTER SPECIAL!

Here's yet another opportunity to binge eat in the name of Jesus.

OREO EXTRAVAGANZA

Happy 100th birthday, mighty Oreo!

BABIED RIBS

Everyone eats pig fat slathered in baby food now, it's credit crunch chic.

SKITTLES CUPS

Featuring the most ingenious use of water-bombs since filling them with piss.

LUTHER (VANDROSS) SLIDERS

Did you know Luther Vandross invented a donut burger when he was wasted?

RED VELVET PANCAKES AND CREME EGG SAUCE

A Shrove Tuesday dish so good you could lure Jesus out of the desert with it.

DE NIRO GUINNESS TIRAMISU

_A dessert named after my fav Irish-Italian actor who didn't play Danny Zuko in Grease._

DEEP-FRIED PICKLE ENCHILADAS

Get in that Super Bowl spirit by deep-frying shit and putting it in your face.

VEGAN CORNISH PASTIES

You can't always eat things that have a face.

BLOBFISH MEDLEY

It might look like the ugliest thing in the sea but it won't make you shart.

RAINBOW CAKE

No one should have to go through a seizure on an empty stomach.

THE DETOX COCONUT COLON CLEANSER

It's time to poop out all the bad things we put into our bodies on New Year's Eve.

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YULE LOG TRIO

How to turn your greed into permanent spleen damage this Christmas.

EGGNOG POP-TARTS

Celebrate Christmas by getting drunk and burning your face off simultaneously.

CRAZY CHRISTMAS CAFFIENE CAKE POPS

Survive the inevitable panic shopping by getting wired on these guys.

BEEF STEAK IN BANANA SAUCE

An Asian pirate speciality.

STUDENT BANQUET SPECIAL

Are you an incapable little thing lost in further education? JFK will help you out.

MINT AERO LAMB RACK

Meat, meet chocolate.

STAINED GLASS JELLY

Food you can eat without teeth.

CHEESY GOLDEN MONEY BAGS

This is a delicious and easy recipe for anyone stupid enough to be a vegetarian.

PUMPKIN ICE CREAM FLOATERS

Wooooo, it's a Halloween special.

CORNED BEEF COLD REMEDY

Let me show you how to turn your sick bed into a deathbed.

KOOL-AID DONUTS

Kool-Aid isn't just for suicide.

BREAKFAST SPAM BURRITOS

A breakfast fit for an overweight Mexican king.

ICED POTATO CHIP COOKIES

Two of the world's greatest ever snacks, together at last.

Celebrate pensioners freezing to death in their beds with this dish from Canada.__

HIPPY JOHNNY'S CHOCOLATE BROWNIES

Real men eat their drugs.

LAZY CHICKEN WANGZ

A treat for rude boys, brought to you by Smash.

SLEEPY WHOOPIE PIES

Do you self-medicake?

STUFFED BURGERS

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Full of Doritos and full of love.

CHOCOLATE PIZZA

We've all heard of Italy - but have you ever eaten Italian food?

ANTI-RIOT BATTERED SAUSAGE

A love letter to Britain.

It'll stop you vomiting shit.

BACON CUPCAKES

It is possible to eat a cupcake without being a twee dick about it.

DRUNK CHICKEN

You’re not a real cook till you’ve spent a day fisting poultry.

DOUGHNUT UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE

It's not a problem with fruit per se, they can just taste a bit like bin juice.

CANDIED HAM AND MARSHMALLOWS

There is nothing quite as satisfying as a spit-roast on a summer’s day.

DEEP FRIED MEXICAN CHOCOLATE CAKE

It's got chili in it.

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