We Interviewed the Inventor of Roflcoptr, the New Drug Britain's Panicking About
Roflcoptr. God, is that really what people are calling drugs these days?
Apparently so. This month, Mixmag carried a story about it, claiming it was the en vogue chemical of the moment. Then, on Friday, NME.COM ran a story about it. Then suddenly everyone in the media started talking about Roflcoptr. After I mentioned it on Twitter, I even got retweeted by Roflcoptr.co.uk – which is busy promoting the chemical through social media. I was beginning to feel a bit out of the loop. Since when did people get in a tizz about drugs before I'd even heard of them?
Thankfully, after the digital pushers at Roflcoptr.co.uk drew my attention to their website, I realised that I had heard of Roflcoptr. Ages ago. In fact, VICE had published an interview that Hamilton Morris did with the man who invented the chemical which makes Roflcoptr soar – methoxetamine – back in 2011.
Identified only as "M", the anonymous chemist that Hamilton interviewed apparently "work[s] to synthesize drugs" that he hopes "will produce therapeutic effects in their users".
"Singlehandedly," Hamilton wrote, "[M] has popularised and discovered numerous novel drugs for grey-market distribution. His most recent investigation of ketamine and its chemical variations produced a new dissociative anaesthetic named methoxetamine, which has recently made its way into the nostrils and anuses of lay experimenters worldwide."
The Roflcoptr.co.uk website is quite impressive. It opens with a blueprint graphic of a helicopter over two large tabs: 'BUY' and 'INFO', and it has been specifically designed to work on a smartphone – because, frankly, no one under 25 has a laptop any more.
Inside the INFO zone they link to our interview. There is also a Frequently Asked Questions section, where they address the burning issue. That dreadful name. Apparently it most certainly DOES NOT mean:
Let's face it. The only people who are going to be calling this drug "Roflcoptr'" are the same politicians, parents and journalists who walked around freaking out about "Meow Meow" while their children were ordering mephedrone and slipping into week-long comedowns. Everyone who is actually gonna do this drug is going to cal it Mket, because if they called it Roflcoptr, they'd explode from embarrassment.
The Roflcoptr website – which, for all its austere design nous, was clearly made by people who don't mind using drug terminology that has escaped from a Guy Ritchie script – has a long disclaimer assuring us that the drug is being sold purely for scientific purposes and that no one should ever ingest it, or use it as a way to smash themselves on the windshield of the weekend. Obviously, they're covering their legal back with a raised eyebrow and a barrage of knowing winks, but let's face it, they're right. You probably shouldn't ingest it.
When was the last time you took a mysterious chemical that made your life better? Over the past few years, all the new drugs that have cropped up have been horrible. None of them work until you're actually addicted to them, the comedowns last for about 16 weeks, and every time you go to sleep, you get night terrors and think that you're going to die.
So I'm not bloody taking it. I don't want to spend 2012 constantly on the brink of a panic attack.
And to re-reiterate, even if you do decide to use Mket, please don't call it "Roflcoptr".
Photo by Theo Cottle