Girl Eats Food - Hippie Johnny's Chocolate Brownies

By Joanna Fuertes-Knight

Cooking dope isn’t exactly revolutionary, but it does provide a welcome change from spliffs. It will make your home smell of baking instead of stale cigarretes and welfare fraud. Plus, weed butter is potent as shit and I’m pretty sure eating brownies doesn’t give you lung cancer. Did you ever hear about how if you have lung cancer sometimes the tumour can eat through your stomach lining so you end up puking your own turd? Stressful, right? I bet you want to get high now.

Hippy Johnny's Chocolate Brownies

You always think potheads are going to be adorable scamps who you’d let eat Cheetos off your thighs while discussing how big the universe is, when in reality most are paranoid-schizophrenia case studies with a chip on their shoulder. So, for your own peace of mind, keep the stoners out of the kitchen.

As long as you aim for an ounce of weed to every pound of butter, you’ll get suitably baked. More than that, and you’ll probably end up really miserable.

Ingredients

For the Canna-Butter:
- Around 4 parts water to 1 unsalted butter
- 1 x big bag of drugs

For the Brownies:
- 5oz canna-butter
- 7oz posh chocolate
- 7oz brown sugar
- 2 x tsp vanilla extract
- 3 x eggs
- 3oz plain flour

Step 1.

Bring your butter and water to the boil until you have a yellowy goop, then turn the heat down quickly.


Step 2.

Grind your bud up as finely as possible, using one of these crappy drug yo-yos.


Step 3.

Dump all your skunk into the goop and let it simmer for a few hours. If you hover above the pan, you can get high off the weed steam, which sounds like the kind of expensive holistic therapy Chris Martin would tweet about. 


Step 4.

Once it stops looking like Chicken Kiev filling and starts looking like pond scum, you’re good to take it off the heat.
 

Step 5.

Pour into a container to cool. I couldn’t be fucked to strain it, but you’re welcome to dry that soggy shit out and smoke any life left in it.


Step 6.

See that tiny layer of fatty shit solidifying on top? That’s your gold dust.


Step 7.

Druggy butter scum skimmed off, you can start the brownies. Melt the canna-butter in a bowl over a pan of hot water with the posh chocolate. Once gooey, beat in the rest of the ingredients. Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No food looks nice halfway through a recipe.


Step 8.

Slop the silky chocolate goo into a lined dish.


Step 9.

Throw in some chocolate drops as well, why don’t you? Go batshit; you deserve it.


Step 10.

Bake on 320f for half an hour.


There you have it, picture perfect brownies stuffed with dope. I road-tested mine on my mother as a control subject. While they took their time to kick in, after about two hours she was laughing hysterically at the paternity tests on Maury before passing out in her armchair. A success all around.

Bone-appetit!

@fuertesknight

Previously: Lazy Chicken Wangz

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