Dir: Joanna Angel
Vice: Hi, boss lady.
Joanna Angel: I thought we were going
to be able to do this legally. They made driving on the phone in California illegal so I went and bought one of those hands-free things but the battery is dead. So now we’re going to have to do this illegally
Illegal phone sex? I’m nervous.
Don’t be nervous. I should be the one who’s nervous because I’m the one who could go to jail.
Should we do this later?
No. I want it to be risky.
We’re living on the edge.
I think it’s awesome.
Yes. Awesome. And dirty.
So how is this going to work? Are we both going to masturbate? Are you just masturbating and I’m egging you on? Am I masturbating? How do you want to do this?
What would you prefer?
I think you should just masturbate since you’ve seen me masturbate and do things.
But now I’m under your employ.
So I should order you to masturbate or you’re not going to get your 10,000 blowjobs this month?
I suppose you should sexily tell me how my performance has been on the job.
You’re OK but people are complaining... Do you hear that? I’m eating a sandwich.
Is it in your mouth?
It’s deep inside my mouth.
Swallow it. Swallow the sandwich.
Done. Now I’m going to wash it down with a soda, which I am going to put in my mouth.
That was good.
Do you like that?
I really liked it. So am I supposed to tell you you’re a bad boy? Is that what’s going to turn you on? If I tell you how millions of people have written in complaining about your terrible record reviews?
That would be good. If you could incorporate my name into it as well, that would help.
So many people write and complain, Chris Nieratko, because all you do is spout nonsense about the titles of the CDs. You have been a really, really bad boy.
Has my performance warranted some sort of disciplinary action?
Yes. You need to get punished.
Before you do so, could you please inform me as to what types of garments you are currently wearing?
I am wearing a little gray dress and pink tube socks and—
I believe the correct response is “Nothing.”
I was going to get to that, God. I’m not wearing any panties and I was going to tell you that once I got done describing my outfit. If I said “Nothing” then you would know I wasn’t telling the truth.
You’re not driving in your car naked?
No, but I’m driving around without panties because I’m such a whore and that way if I find someone on the highway I want to have sex with it would be really easy.
Do you even own a pair of panties?
Yes. One pair but they are crotchless.
Could you exit your car, nude, and allow an entire vehicle to drive up inside your vagina because you are a porn star?
Yeah. I’ll do that right now. Let me pull over. I’m on the side of the highway. I’m spreading my legs open and my pussy is, oh, so wet. And now a car is going in. Vroom vroom.
How many cars?
Just one. Let it get in there a little bit.
Could you also insert an automobile into your not-front-part?
Let me see if any automobiles here want to do that. OK. I have found someone. It’s a big Escalade.
I would also enjoy an Escalade in your mouth.
But then I won’t be able to talk.
Oh. Right. Then that would defeat the purpose of this conversation. I’m not well versed in this manner of talk.
That’s because you suck.
I don’t feel very stimulated by this dialogue.
Why? I’m eating a sandwich. Do we need to go in a different direction?
You’re not committed to my satisfaction.
What gets you going? What more can you ask for? I’m trying everything. I put a car in my ass and pussy and that wasn’t good enough for you?
Is there any way I could have a rebate and we could try this again some other time?
Yeah, we can try it again. That’s cool.
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com. In fact, for more of Chris keep reading right here because we asked him to do a few more interviews for this issue and they are coming up in a few hours.