Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Dirty Secrets

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I’ve been dating a girl for a while and I really like her but she only wants to meet really late at night. I’ve never met any of her friends or family and I’m starting to think she’s ashamed of me. What should I do?

Shamefully,
Pizzaface

Hot Dog Late-Night Texts You His Knowledge

Pizzaface! Of course she’s ashamed of you! Women like to show off their boyfriends the way children like to show off their paintings or Courtney Love likes to show strangers her tits: they’re just so excited to do it! If she’s not displaying you like you’re a bright red ass and she’s a baboon at a drive-thru safari, then she is definitely ashamed of you. And sadly there’s nothing you can do about that (other than stop being so fucking shameful, you disgusting monster). And just like my mom says, “The only thing you can control in this world is how you react to other people. Also, I’m disappointed in you.” So here’s some tips on how to make it A-O-K that she thinks yr LAME-O-GAY:

·  Invent a beautiful story for yourself about how during the day she’s a hawk and she can only see you at night because during the day you’re horrible and gross (but at night you don’t change).

·  Legally change your name to “Downton Abbey” so when she says to her friends, “I love Downton Abbey!” you can imagine she’s telling her friends about you.

·  Carry a small camera with you everywhere so she can introduce you as a documentarian that is filming her. Follow up any introduction by saying, “I’m making a documentary about bitterness!”

Eventually your low self-confidence and her lack of respect for you will combust and a very sad, quiet, bomb will go off. You’re going to need to actually use your mouth to explain how you feel. Here’s some ways to hopefully take PDA from Privately Disturbingly Ashamed to Publicly Diddling Assholes (that’s what it means, right?):

·  “I’m not just a dog that you can call up late at night who will come running over at your beck and call, although that would be an amazing dog who could use the phone and drive a car…OK maybe I wouldn’t mind being that dog, and can I start again?!”

·  “We need to talk and I don’t want to do ‘pillow talk’ where I talk while you just go to sleep.”

·  “I looked up ‘respect’ and it does NOT mean to re-inspect something! Even if that’s what it means to you! And TCB doesn’t mean Take Cat Baths either!”

Lady Bun Flashes You Her Tips

Sometimes men will like you more for what they can do with you physically than, say, emotionally or mentally. This type of relationship is normally referred to as a “booty call” or “living in Los Angeles.” For some women this arrangement can be very fulfilling, especially if the only thing they are looking to fill is their vaginas or a void left by an absentee father. For others it can be very taxing, especially if an emotional attachment has developed. But see, there are ways to insert yourself into someone’s life even if they don’t ask you to. The trick is to be very stealthy about it, like a ninja with very little self-esteem or clothing. Below are some tricks to be a bigger part of his life without all the fuss of acknowledging you as a person with feelings.

·  Own some black pants? Why not pretend to be a server at the work function he’s invited to! This will relieve him from having to introduce you to colleagues and still give you the chance to impress his boss with small talk about shrimp or whatever else you’re holding.

·  Does his mom shop at Talbots? Why not buy a Talbots franchise in her neighborhood! It’s super easy! All you need is semi-good credit and knowing what the color “oatmeal” is.

·  Change your name to Bruce Springsteen! It is a well-known fact that guys will even introduce his friends to a turd with a hat on if it’s called Bruce Springsteen.

Now that you’ve immersed yourself in his life via disguises and financial ruin, it’s time to be adults about it and talk it out, even though talking is the last thing he wants to do at 3 AM.

·  “I think it’s time to know more about you, like your hobbies and last name.”

·  “I’d prefer it if you saved my number on your phone as ‘Susan’ and not ‘Dick toaster.’”

·  “I’m your other little secret. The one that isn’t your tiny penis.”

Previously - Office Romance

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
Follow us! @kurtbraunohler and @albz