Nov 9 2012
"This might be a good time for Republicans to redouble their commitment to the reality-based community." - David Brooks, NY Times, 11/7/12
Greetings! In light of this week's election, your local GOP committee is sending out this quiz to gauge our party's commitment to reality. As a registered Republican, your input is crucial to determining future party direction. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers!
A. THE LATINO VOTE...
1: Is something we'll need to earn in the next election cycle.
2: Is a fad.
3: Wouldn't be an issue if Eisenhower had built that wall.
4: Is an anagram for "Vain Tootle." Case closed.
B. REPUBLICANS LOST WOMEN VOTERS BECAUSE...
1: The GOP talked about rape too much.
2: The GOP didn't talk about rape enough.
3: The GOP forgot to rewrite the Wikipedia entry for the 19th amendment.
4: They just kept shrieking and shrieking.
C. THE TEA PARTY...
1: Limited the options of Republican candidates.
2: Should be honored for their pep and zing.
3: Will have to work like the A-Team now that the Constitution has been suspended.
4: Actually won a majority in both things of Congress. Media? Hello??
D. HURRICANE SANDY WAS...
1: A national tragedy best kept out of politics.
2: A convenient showcase for hyping big government.
3: Known about for months, or years, in advance.
4: A good use of CGI. Not great. But good.
E. THE FISCAL CLIFF IS....
1: Something both parties must avoid at all costs.
2: 100 percent on the Democrats now.
3: A mighty paddle with which America must be spanked.
4: A secret location where all the military ballots were tossed.
F. STEVEN SPIELBERG'S "LINCOLN" OPENS TODAY. I WILL...
1: See it, to remind myself of past Republican glory.
2: Avoid it, for portraying a Republican election victory as divisive.
3: Boycott it, for portraying the South as having lost the war.
4: Dress as it and picket Rite Aid for selling condoms.
G. THE PRESIDENT...
1: Ran a disciplined campaign.
2: Bribed Americans with their own money.
3: Bribed Americans with phones, rims, and Boost Mobile gift minutes.
4: Lost the popular vote, and thus has no mandate and must live in a hotel.
H. THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE....
1: Is a relic that gives uneven power to a handful of states.
2: Makes us a joke to the rest of the world, something I now care deeply about.
3: Is a perfect example of how higher education breeds elitism.
4: Would never have happened under Reagan.
I. GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE....
1: Did what he needed to do to protect his state during a disaster.
2: Made a huge tactical error by snubbing his party's candidate.
3: Should go blind, but slowly, through gonorrhea, or maggots.
4: Is mentioned in the Book of Revelation.
J. I AM....
1: Sad, shaken, but still thankful for all that I have.
2: Stocking up on canned ham and ammo. You know the drill.
3: Talking with some Greek guys about starting a chapter of Golden Dawn.
4: Just grateful that Romney won.
SCORING: Give yourself one point for every number selected.
10-19: Only a hippie thinks there are no right or wrong answers on a quiz. Enjoy the Kool-Aid. Have a groovy trip. Not.
20-29: With a serious red meat injection, you may just work out.
30-40: Reality is a construct. We built it. Shun your Democrat friends and family, roll up your sleeves, and get to work on the 2015 elections. Your party needs you.
Previously - Yelping Halloween
Weediquette: The Cannabis Republic of Uruguay - Part 1
London Is Turning into a Depressing and Dumb Stock Image City
Here Be Dragons: Sorry, Everyone, Making Fuel Out of Seawater Isn't Gonna Save Humanity
Seven Important Truths About How the World Takes Drugs in 2014
Our E-Cigarettes Are Going to Melt Our Faces and Burn Our Houses Down
Owning Porno Used to Mean Something, Damnit
Photos of the Bathrooms and Kitchens of America's Bachelors
Stop Panicking About Getting Older, You Pricks
How Airbnb Makes Tax Day So Much Worse
Advice for the Twitter Professional at US Airways Who Tweeted Hardcore Porn