Nov 9 2012
"This might be a good time for Republicans to redouble their commitment to the reality-based community." - David Brooks, NY Times, 11/7/12
Greetings! In light of this week's election, your local GOP committee is sending out this quiz to gauge our party's commitment to reality. As a registered Republican, your input is crucial to determining future party direction. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers!
A. THE LATINO VOTE...
1: Is something we'll need to earn in the next election cycle.
2: Is a fad.
3: Wouldn't be an issue if Eisenhower had built that wall.
4: Is an anagram for "Vain Tootle." Case closed.
B. REPUBLICANS LOST WOMEN VOTERS BECAUSE...
1: The GOP talked about rape too much.
2: The GOP didn't talk about rape enough.
3: The GOP forgot to rewrite the Wikipedia entry for the 19th amendment.
4: They just kept shrieking and shrieking.
C. THE TEA PARTY...
1: Limited the options of Republican candidates.
2: Should be honored for their pep and zing.
3: Will have to work like the A-Team now that the Constitution has been suspended.
4: Actually won a majority in both things of Congress. Media? Hello??
D. HURRICANE SANDY WAS...
1: A national tragedy best kept out of politics.
2: A convenient showcase for hyping big government.
3: Known about for months, or years, in advance.
4: A good use of CGI. Not great. But good.
E. THE FISCAL CLIFF IS....
1: Something both parties must avoid at all costs.
2: 100 percent on the Democrats now.
3: A mighty paddle with which America must be spanked.
4: A secret location where all the military ballots were tossed.
F. STEVEN SPIELBERG'S "LINCOLN" OPENS TODAY. I WILL...
1: See it, to remind myself of past Republican glory.
2: Avoid it, for portraying a Republican election victory as divisive.
3: Boycott it, for portraying the South as having lost the war.
4: Dress as it and picket Rite Aid for selling condoms.
G. THE PRESIDENT...
1: Ran a disciplined campaign.
2: Bribed Americans with their own money.
3: Bribed Americans with phones, rims, and Boost Mobile gift minutes.
4: Lost the popular vote, and thus has no mandate and must live in a hotel.
H. THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE....
1: Is a relic that gives uneven power to a handful of states.
2: Makes us a joke to the rest of the world, something I now care deeply about.
3: Is a perfect example of how higher education breeds elitism.
4: Would never have happened under Reagan.
I. GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE....
1: Did what he needed to do to protect his state during a disaster.
2: Made a huge tactical error by snubbing his party's candidate.
3: Should go blind, but slowly, through gonorrhea, or maggots.
4: Is mentioned in the Book of Revelation.
J. I AM....
1: Sad, shaken, but still thankful for all that I have.
2: Stocking up on canned ham and ammo. You know the drill.
3: Talking with some Greek guys about starting a chapter of Golden Dawn.
4: Just grateful that Romney won.
SCORING: Give yourself one point for every number selected.
10-19: Only a hippie thinks there are no right or wrong answers on a quiz. Enjoy the Kool-Aid. Have a groovy trip. Not.
20-29: With a serious red meat injection, you may just work out.
30-40: Reality is a construct. We built it. Shun your Democrat friends and family, roll up your sleeves, and get to work on the 2015 elections. Your party needs you.
Previously - Yelping Halloween
One of Our Writers Went on an All-Alcohol Diet for a Week
The Jim Norton Show: Mike Tyson and Dana White - Part 1
Paris Lees: The 21 Sexiest Things About Sex
'Weird Al' Yankovic Explains How He Conquered the Internet
Tao of Terence: One Version of 'One Version of Terence McKenna’s Life'
Austin's Music Scene Should Get Less Hetero
VICE Meets: Jim Norton on His Comedy Career and 'The Jim Norton Show'
A Few Impressions: James Franco’s ‘Blood Meridian’ Test
No Higgs Boson of Hitler: Ron Rosenbaum Explains 'Explaining Hitler'