It's the most wonderful time of the year! No, not Fashion Week—that's for the liberals, the foreigns, and the queers. Dear fellow conservatrons, the multi-day celebration to which I refer is the Conservative Political Action Conference, better known as CPAC, and even better known to me as Sara Benincasa's Absolute Favorite Festival of Fun Ever!
What's that? You've never heard of CPAC? Well, as the preeminent right-wing political pundit of my day—not to mention VICE.com's GOP analyst!—it is incumbent upon me to tell you about all the fun you've been missing.
Founded in 1973, in part as a reaction to the counterculture movements of the 1960s and early 1970s, CPAC is sort of like Woodstock for white people in suits who don't like the idea of giving money or food to poor people. It's also a fun jamboree for devout disciples of Christ (hi, Rick Santorum!) who think ladies should be forced to have babies that were stabbed into them by rapists. Aren't you sad you didn't book your ticket to DC for this seething pit of good times? Better luck next year, by which time President Santorum will probably have scheduled his keynote address.
Speaking of Santorum, he didn't actually fare so well in this year's CPAC straw poll, which is sort of like that exercise your class did in elementary school to learn about democracy. Remember when the teacher handed out paper ballots and you got to "vote" in your very first presidential election? This is essentially what the many birthers and white powerers at CPAC do each year, and they take great delight in pretending to represent the majority of Americans. This year, as in 2009, 2008, and 2007, they fauxlected Mitt Romney as president. We can only hope this year will echo 2000, when CPAC-goers fauxlected George W. Bush, who then went on to not win the general election, but still got to be king of America!
Anyways, courtesy of your New York Times, here are some highlights from the awesome speeches you missed.
Mittles Romney: “'I was a severely conservative Republican governor,' Mr. Romney said after listing his accomplishments in Massachusetts. 'I fought against long odds in a deep blue state.'"
Haha, that is hilarious and a lie/joke, because he made them all have health care, and also he was fine with gays. Clearly, Mitt was using a little of that famous "Mormon humor" to win over his audience.
Newtles Gingrich: "Mr. Gingrich acknowledged his campaign’s struggle to raise money, saying that he does not have the kind of resources that Mr. Romney or some of his other rivals have. But he cited supporters like Herman Cain, Rick Perry and Chuck Norris as advocates that will make the resources irrelevant."
Yes, it is undoubtedly true that having the support of the pizza sex man, Cinnamon Toast Ken Doll, and that fellow who kicks people is just the kind of thing you need to lift yourself above the competition.
Rickles Santorum: "'I think we have learned our lesson,' he said to raucous applause. 'We will no longer abandon and apologize for the principles that made this country great for a hollow victory in November.'"
By "the principles that made this country great," he means a culture in which people beat the shit out of homosexuals for fun and in which all women were required to give birth to human parasites each time a man decided he wanted to throw a load up in them.
Welp, that's about all you need to know about this year's CPAC. Looking forward to rapping with you further about our conservative destiny. 'Til next week!
Previously - The Many Loves of Mitt Romney