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The Dragon's Hump - Part the Tenth

"Where did you get this unicorn?" she asked."A fine specimen, is she not?" laughed the charming brigand. "She constantly farts out a wonderful scent of apples."

Baying hounds at his heels, the handsome brigand galloped through the night, damsel astride a unicorn keeping pace by his side.

“Where did you get this awesome unicorn?” she asked.

“A fine specimen, is she not?” laughed the charming brigand with the flashing eyes. “She constantly farts out a wonderful scent of apples. Pardon the coarseness of my expression! For I am but a humble brigand.”

“Pish tosh!” objected the damsel, whose name was Lavera Bondswoman Jr. “Humble brigand indeed! It may interest you to know that I am no fancy lady of high birth. I know all about farts and they mean nothing to me. My father is a big sad sack mope who bales hay or something for a living. He’s a single parent and does the best he can but he really gets on my nerves. I have an after-school job manufacturing silken ribbons for a harsh old blind seamstress to help make ends meet. And unless I miss my guess, you are the notorious Claron Pard, king of all the robbers and highwaymen, a lofty figure in your way. Who else could have extracted me from that jam I was in back there?”

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“Were I not so busy steering my horse, I would put my hands on my hips and erupt in buoyant, approving laughter, which is my favorite thing to do,” said Claron Pard. “You seem to be more cunning than your years! Very well. Let us take our rest in yon weird and mysterious cave covered with creepy moss and I will tell you the interesting story of where I got this unicorn.”

“Surely we should keep riding. The king’s guards are close at hand.”

“Leave the worrying to me, young missy,” said Claron Pard. “Besides, I have a kidnapped princess stashed in this cave. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t kidnap her. I rescued her. And then we started to do some heavy petting. I was in disguise and she thought I was her boyfriend. But I started to feel guilty about it. Of course, when I revealed my true identity she got hysterical and I had to tie her up. Come to think of it, I guess I did kidnap her. I’m confused. Anyway, I think you’ll like her. She’s really nice.”

Lavera Bondswoman Jr. detected a whiff of uncertainty in the normally stalwart heart of Claron Pard! She sought to cheer him up as they raced toward the strange gloomy cave with all its eeriness and everything. “You were going to tell me a hilarious story about a unicorn,” she prodded.

“Well, it’s not hilarious,” he said. “Earlier this evening I was going to rob a milk cart. Often the richest lords will use milk carts to transport fabulous baubles from one place to another because they are too cheap to pay for regular postage like everybody else.”

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“The devils!” cried Lavera.

“Yes, and often I punish them for their indolence,” said Claron Pard. “But I could tell this milk cart was carrying something special. First it refused to pick me up when I was pretending to be a hitchhiking priest. And then, when I subsequently gave merry chase on Sad Face, my famed and noble steed, the milk cart only rode the faster! I fear I misjudged the astonishing bravery of the driver, and a wreck ensued. The cart lay on its side and the unicorn ponies who had been pulling it fled into the forest, save one, who stayed and watched with grave curiosity as I approached the driver, who had been thrown a good distance from the cart. With his tri-cornered hat lost in the brambles and his snug livery burst asunder, I could see he was not a man at all. He was a beautiful olive-skinned lass with dark hair all loose and flowing and shirt partially unbuttoned, smelling of lavender and wearing librarian glasses!”

“Wow!” said Lavera.

“As you can imagine, I was all set for some maiden rescuing, which I’m ordinarily very good at. But I saw almost at once that this heroic and sexy woman had been pierced through the chest bone by a sharp green tree branch. Her face was turned upward toward the stars, as was the flowering branch, its tight buds trembling in the softly maddening currents of air, upon which she had been so terribly impaled. Cloudlings smother my soul for my haste and avarice! I knelt and examined the lovely face. Her eyes fluttered open. To my astonishment she grabbed my cloak with one last vestige of strength. What determination! Surely under other circumstances we could have fallen in love.”

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Lavera gasped and bit her knuckle with emotion.

“‘You must get this to the King,’ she told me. I noticed that the supple hand clutching me also contained a crumpled scroll. ‘By this kiss I swear it,’ I said simply and with all the manly dignity at my disposal.”

“Jeepers creepers!” gulped Lavera. Tears were streaming from her exotic eyeballs.

“I bent my face to hers and gave her a heartfelt smacker on her big, dark, delicious, sexy lips. All the feelings I had been bottling up all my life flowed through me into her open mouth. For one unforgettable moment a flame shot across her countenance and she seemed to stir to life. ‘Thanks, cowboy,’ she said. I could tell it was the greatest kiss she had ever had. Tragically, it was also her last.”

Everybody was crying.  Even the horse and the unicorn were crying.

“Here we are at the cave!” said Claron Pard. He was glad to change the subject.

Previously – Part the Ninth

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