Nov 30 2004
Guitarist Matt Sweeney is a stallion, and stallions roam free and that means there are a lot of pretty girls with broken hearts wondering what the fuck happened. What are you supposed to do when, after months of having his gigantic octoroon frame drench your face in jizz, there is nothing left to touch? For years, the answer was: "I don't know," then VICE developed this substitute. All you do is rub it on your face and play old Chavez records, and it feels kind of like he's defiling you again (sigh).
SUMO WRESTLER CARDS
Are Japanese people nuts? Sumo wrestling is fixed. It's been a scam for the past five hundred years and everyone knows it. And now you have kids trading Sumo cards? Only in Japan would you have an entire country passionately calling a fake-wrestling sideshow a real sport.
Sent by Chris Gardner, Brantford, ON
Italian homos have their own shows. They own the magazine industry. They make women puke up their food and spend tons of cash on things men don't care about. They reinvented marriage. What's next, their own biscuits? Too late motherfucker—they got that too.
Sent by Sara Colleran, Seattle, WA
SWEET LOVE DOUCHE
If you love a woman, make her feel special. Don't buy her a vacuum or a broom or some kind of fucking cleanser. Buy her something that shows you care, like a ticket to Paris or jewelry or something that cleans out her cunt.
Sent by Wayne Vance, Atlanta, GA
Getting crunked means different things to different people. To some, it means "getting really fucked up, a lot." Others insist it simply means "good." In Japan, it means "crunchy chocolate." Or maybe it just means, "Fucking idiot that can't speak English."
MR. MUNCHY CEREAL
They want kids to get stoned? What? Kids shouldn't be getting stoned. They don't even have anything to laugh about yet. This cereal is fucking bullshit and was obviously designed by someone who doesn't know shit about kids.
A lot of people won't tell you this, but if you get pulled over for drunk driving all you have to do to fuck up the breathalyzer is pop a penny in your mouth. If the cop is still suspicious, just stick these mints in there too.
In Latin American countries, women couldn't give less of a shit what the guy's dick looks like (same with Japan actually). You can brag about your wang in New York, but in Tijuana it's all about balls. They like them round and medium-sized with perfectly groomed bag hairs. They even named a fucking candy after it.
Sent by Jason Cook, San Francisco, CA
DEFLOWER WHITE CHOCOLATE
I don't know why everyone is so into virgins. Have you ever fucked one? It sucks. They lie on their backs like, "Ow, ow, ow" and they don't know any moves. It's like playing tennis with a toddler.
Tobias Wong and Philipp Mohr make engagement rings that can kill you. The razor-sharp diamond point is set into the ring so it can't get knocked out when you smash someone's face in, and the edges of the ring are really soft so it won't cut into your skin during the pounding. It's romantic because it means, "Will you marry me?" but it also means, "I can't always be there to protect you so if some asshole won't stop bothering you, puncture him with this."
The rings cost $200—$5,000 and are available from brokenoff.com
Check it out: The logo of the guys in the corner looks like two fags. Are they the funniest human beings on earth or the two most incredibly naïve people the world has ever seen?
Sent by Z Madsen, London, ON
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