Dir: Jules Jordan
Rating: 11 See that brunette in the upper left named Lanny Barbie? She bares a striking resemblance to a friend of mine named Sarah from Maui. I think it might be the eyes. My wife will probably disagree with me. She always does when it comes to me pointing out look-alikes. She says that I’m going blind. So maybe Lanny doesn’t look like Sarah to anyone else, but I’m writing this, so for this brief moment in my life mine is the only opinion that matters. Not that it really makes a difference, I was just going to tell you that Sarah and her husband Seth just had a kid and named him Ozzy. Even better is that his initials are ODB. How awesome is that? Imagine if she gave birth to the real ODB, like he came back with his ugly head on a baby’s body. That would have been fucked. But it didn’t happen, so don’t worry. Right before Sarah and Seth’s ODB was born I went to their house bearing gifts. First was the kid’s first Playboy. I know Playboy is tame but you need to start kids off easy. Then I gave him two outfits, one all red, the other all blue. I figured since they live in L.A. the kid should be given the option of which gang he’s going to join: Bloods or Crips. Because I don’t have any kids yet, I’m always full of questions for new parents. Most of them have to do with lactation. After ODB’s birth, Seth was rather forthcoming with parenting notes. Here’s some of the tidbits he shared: • They make this hands-free breast-pump backpack that you can wear around the house while you’re vacuuming or cooking in the nude and it’ll milk your tits for you. Go to www.pumpstation.com to see it.
• His little pecker is just like a rifle. He’ll shoot piss a good eight to ten feet and squirt poop a few too. The kid is a time bomb and has already developed an effective strategy for firing singles and doubles of shit when the backstop is down for maintenance. Sarah has already been hit in the face with poop a few times.
• Breastfeeding is the way to go. It gets us guys out of all kinds of work. We can’t feed the kid, so we’re really helpless. Plus you can make the kid give the middle finger while he’s sucking.
• Sarah’s most fun thing now is using those titty bombs for her pleasure. She’s shooting a good four feet now and can hit a dime right in the middle. Seth got it in the left eye the other morning. Lactating tits are no match in range for the boy’s pecker when he’s full of piss, but Sarah can fire at will, whereas you have to wait for the kid to fill up again before you can shoot him. This is the kind of information that I’m eager to learn. I someday hope to write a parenting guide for people of our generation, people who have done far too many drugs and simply want to know what kind of fun and practical uses there are for kids, aside from fetching the paper and rolling over. For more of Chris Nieratko go to NJSkateshop.com.