Photo courtesy of the author
Dir: Rob Rotten
Can someone tell me how contraceptive sponges work? I understand that they go up inside a girl and create a dam but what I need to know is are they hard to put in, is a girl aware that it’s in her vagina, and how often do you need to change them? The reason I ask is because my wife went OFF THE PILL on Valentine’s Day and I need to figure out what to do. I can either a) start using those other two holes, b) not come home from work until after she’s asleep, c) stop coming home at all, or d) come home from work after she’s asleep, chloroform her so she doesn’t wake up, and put one of them there contraceptive sponges up in her. I think that last one could work if she never became aware that the sponge was in her guts. I could blast and blast away and not knock her up. And depending how often the sponge needs to be changed I could keep chloroforming her whenever it was time to replace the sperm-soaked sponge with a new one. I’m sure eventually she’ll get concerned and want to go see a doctor, which will be fine. I’ll chloroform her right before our appointment, remove the sponge, and go get tested. The doctor will return and say we’re both healthy and he sees no problem and we’ll go home and try some more. But not before I knock her out and insert another sponge. You have to understand, I love kids. I want kids. But at this point I kind of like sex with my wife more—I’m selfish like that, I suppose. I emailed Gavin McInnes the other day asking how being a daddy is and he said, “It’s great. Best thing ever. But don’t expect to get laid for eight or nine months. First you don’t want to do it because you don’t want your dick in your baby’s face, then, after it comes out, she’s freaked out because her vagina just got beat up and she has no libido.” I told him, “You are one helluva salesman. Now I’m totally ready to sign up. If Vice ever folds you should think about being an army recruiter.” To be completely honest, I look forward to f’ing my lady when she’s good and prego. I’ve always had a thing for chicks that are like nine or ten months pregnant. And lactation is such a turn-on. Mmmm, milk. But what if she rejects my desires? I dealt with a lifetime’s worth of rejection in my three years of high school—I couldn’t deal with being rejected by my wife. That would kill me. You know what else would kill me? If my wife went behind my back and started taking fertility drugs. Every “success” story I’ve ever heard has ended with people having between 3 and 14 kids. I’m a good man and I’ll be a good father but fuck, that would send me over the edge. I’d probably end up killing the extra kids one by one with a shotgun for sport. Would fertility drugs work with my secret sponge implanted? Which is stronger? In a fight to the death who wins? Fertility drugs or contraceptive sponges? It’s thoughts like these that make me wonder why the hell I ever stopped taking drugs.