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The DOs & DON'Ts Issue

Holy Fuck!

When he was 29, Jesus wrote The Bible because he knew it would get him laid. Guess what--it worked.
Κείμενο Johnny C. Philips

Photos by Pat O'Dell

When he was 29, Jesus wrote The Bible because he knew it would get him laid. Guess what––it worked. Not only did he fuck tons of really religious women, he also laid about a million whores. He didn't even get married he got so laid. Since then the bible has been nothing but a raging pussy magnet. There was the Lot's family affair, Abraham fucking his maid, Onan (the guy who beat off), and I think there was some guy who started his own religion by burying a gold bible in his backyard. He probably got at least a little bit laid. Cut to modern times, and things haven't changed a bit. Lenny Bruce started his own religion to get laid. Then we had all those cult leaders like David Koresh that made up rules like "I get to fuck whoever I want even if she's 14 and everyone else can go fuck themselves." Even right now, you have Raelian "Sensual Seminars" enabling really ugly bald guys to eat out any teenager they want. Shit, even gay guys (if they become priests) get to use the bible to have young adolescent boys sit on their lap and make them feel good. So what about us? We sent our pal David out with a brand new holy bible and told him to go to every rock show, rooftop party, and bar he could to try to get laid. The rules: No explaining what the fuck is up with the bible, no putting it down ever, and no cheesy lines. "I did miserably at first," he told me from his apartment after his first night of trying. "They would say things like they had to ‘go to the bathroom' and never come back. One time this girl looked at me and looked at the bible and said, ‘Um no,' before I could even say anything." After his third night out, David called me with some good news. "I got laid last night," he told me, all excited like a little fag. "I got a girl to come home with me." I asked him if she saw the bible and he said, "I obeyed all the rules. I held it close to my chest the whole night. When she asked me about it, I just shrugged and said, ‘You know, whatever.' I even brought it home with me. Everything turned out great." David sounded happy, but I could tell something wasn't right. I had a hunch way before we started this experiment that the bible ain't what she used to be. When I pressed him I got the real goods: "It's possible she was pretty drunk. The next morning she was all, ‘Whoa, what a night.' I asked her if we could exchange numbers and she said no, and when I asked her why, she said, ‘Because if I saw it was you I probably wouldn't pick up.'" So that settles it. The bible is a DON'T, and the only way it will ever get you laid is if there's plenty of liquor on the table next to it.