Metrointeractive.com
Dir: Various
Rating: 5 Check out the box cover design. It's all tabloid-looking, right? I'm all about reading tabloids. I used to be into the really fucked up ones that would have the stories of Jesus appearing in a woman's vagina and aliens taking over a biker bar for their Christmas party or whatever holiday that aliens celebrate, if they even celebrate holidays. I've since grown up and moved onto the celebrity hater tabloids, which I suppose is a natural progression. When you're a kid you read science fiction and Asimov is the motherfucking man, then you get older and realize truth is stranger than fiction and you get more into autobiographical non-fiction and you're like, "No way, Motley Crue put a phone up a girl's pussy and made a call. Why didn't I think of that?" All I'm trying to do is keep it real with my tabloids. We all know Jesus isn't going to show up in a vagina because Jesus is gay. If he's going to turn up anywhere it's going to be at RuPaul's prostate exam. But Britney's mom being a total cunt and trying to fuck with Britney and dancer #12's marriage just seems very believable to me. And shit talking is fucking awesome anyway. How could I not be into magazines that are 100% totally into hating? I spend everyday, all day checking out girls' asses and telling my brain just how saggy, misshapen, awkward and wrong they are. I thought I was the master of that shit but the tabloids actually go out and take photos of bad celebrity asses in bikinis and enlarge them and use diagrams and arrows to point out all the cellulite and defects. That's serious dedication. I realize now that I am but a novice at making fun of people. Sure, celebrities are easy targets but what makes them so great is they actually care. Let's say you came up to me and said, "Nieratko, you're a fat fuck. You have a big nose and bigger ears." I'd say, "No shit, Sherlock. Do you have a master's degree in stating the obvious from Peckerhead University?" Say the exact same thing to a fragile actress and I bet they'd be on the phone with their plastic surgeon within minutes. I wish I had that kind of superpower. I wish all the too fat, too skinny, too short, too Jew-y, too white people of this world could hear my thoughts and take them to heart and decide to make the world an easier place to live in by recycling their ugly. I also wish that Cameron Diaz would break up with Justin because I don't like either of them at all and the two of them together makes me queasy. I would also like to see 50 Cent hook up with Janet Jackson because I can't remember there ever being a couple where both the man and the woman had ridiculously large breast implants. CHRIS NIERATKO