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OK, what the fuck? This video was shot in Amsterdam. Is that even in Europe? If so, since when? I went to Amsterdam once. Once.
Κείμενο Chris Nieratko

DO: Seymore Butts Does Europe Part 2

Dir: Seymore Butts

Rating: 10

OK, what the fuck? This video was shot in Amsterdam. Is that even in Europe? If so, since when? I went to Amsterdam once. Once. It didn't feel like Europe to me; it felt like Woodstock Supersized. I hated every minute of it, as I knew I would, because I hate hippies and people that smoke weed. Especially people my own age. It's like, "Hey asshole. You got your driver's license 15 years ago, fucking grow up already. You're balding and the stupid-stoner thing stopped being hot/cool the day after prom." I mean, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting myself into. It's Amsterdam, for fuck's sake. Why does anyone go there? To hide in an attic and pretend to be Anne Frank? Tourists flock there for either the weed or the whores in the red-light district. For me it was the whores, but you can't have one without stepping in the other, and so I was plagued by red, glassy-eyed zombies staring at the clouds, getting in my way as I was trying to window-shop for prostitutes. Not that I wanted to necessarily fuck a hooker, I was just trying to be a fine ambassador of our great nation while abroad, thus doing my part to boost the local economy of the region I was visiting. Of course I wouldn't actually stick my dick in them, I just wanted to stick an eggplant or a zucchini up a foreign asshole. But despite everything you've heard about the loose women of Amsterdam, they do have their limits, and the line is drawn at inserting produce into their privates. I tried offering twice the amount they would charge for sex, yet I found no takers. Even with me paying in U.S. currency. And this is when the U.S. dollar was worth more than the Euro! One moralistic rental started yelling at me, "What if I stuck that zucchini up your ass? How would you like it?" Later I thought I had a taker in one of the older, more road-weary, less desirable whores, but then she floundered and offered me an alternative: "Why don't you just shit on my chest or fist my pussy?" She was being for real. She preferred to be shat on than have a vegetable up her ass. I tried to explain to her that most doctors would agree that vegetables are far more sanitary than feces, not to mention good for you. We couldn't reach an agreement, and I was left holding the bag. Of vegetables. In this video Alisha Klass fists herself with one of those fake flesh-colored hands. Have you ever seen one of those things? So creepy. I'd say even more creepy than a fake pussy. It's just like a severed arm. Yet despite it being far bigger than the eggplant I was trying to administer, I'm sure any of those prostitutes would've gladly taken the fake hand over my vegetables. That doesn't even make sense. The only explanation I can offer is that like everyone else in Amsterdam all the hookers were stoned out of their minds. How else can you make sense out of wanting to be shitted on instead of probed by a plant? I just don't get it.


DON'T: Dead Men Don't Wear Rubbers

Dir: Jace Rocker

Rating: 4

The other day I was thinking of really retarded porn titles I'd like for someone to use. Here are a few: A Bird in Hand Is Worth Two in the Ass, Don't Look a Gift Whore in the Mouth, How Many Times Do I Have to Say I Love You…Before You Let Me Fuck You in the Ass, Those Aren't Pillows, My Other Car Is Your Ass, Penny for Your Thoughts (Nickel to Rent Your Mouth), One Time in Band Camp…, It's Like Having Three Mouths!, Boy-Band Ass, and One Finger Isn't Gay. Then I got Dead Men Don't Wear Rubbers and I was like, "That title sucks awesome!" I considered emailing my friend Carly who sends me all my New Sensation DVDs and running some of my ideas by her but opted not to. I have a certain artistic vision of what these films should look like and I wouldn't trust just anyone to achieve the feel that I would want from something as cleverly titled as My Other Car Is Your Ass. You know? I'd have to make the film myself. I'd probably try to cast only sluts with a lot of tattoos because that's like an entirely untapped market. Every one of you fags reading this book wishes you could hump a girl with a lot of tattoos, and it's understandable, because we all know that tattoos on a girl is basically a neon sign that says, I LOVE ASS SEX. Do you think I'd make a good porn director? I'm directing a pilot for a black dating show for BET called Singles Match. (I'm being serious, you jerk. Stop laughing.) Hopefully it will get picked up and you'll all be like, "Holy shit! Nieratko can direct." Or not. But BET is not porn. Porn requires a strong will. I think I'd wind up just wanting to fuck all the girls and never get any work done. It's kind of the same reason I never wanted to become a bartender. Plus, most porn directors are ugly and greasy and I'm hot as shit, so you'd have to assume that the girls would be wanting to be with me the entire time they were getting fucked and not really turn in a convincing performance. If it were ever to happen I can assure you no one would wear condoms. I don't care if their cock was one big open wound with the words Don't Do It! I Have AIDS! tattooed above it; there would be no rubbers. They're just not aesthetically pleasing (unless they're green, then that's just funny-looking). And I don't believe in them. I've never used them and never will. I think wearing a condom is cheating, like using loaded dice, or having an ace up your sleeve. Life is supposed to be risky. There are no sure things. If you choose to roll the dice, you should have to face the consequences. Got a girl pregnant? Shouldn't have stuck your dick in her. Got crabs? Shouldn't have stuck your dick in her. Got AIDS? Shouldn't have stuck your dick in her. Fucked three girls in one day without showering and the doctor still gave you a clean bill of health? Well, shit! You're in the zone. Grab those dice and let them fly. You can't lose.