Photo by Jaimie Warren
Want to get wasted? Me too, fuckface, but what I don't want to do is spend the next day like I'm in Jacob's Ladder (only with more diarrhea and barfs). Once I was so hungover on a plane I started getting pangs of searing pain in my hands and these apocalyptic white flashes. When I went to puke in the bathroom I ended up FUCKING FAINTING. I woke up with a doctor checking my pulse and when we landed everyone had to wait as I was escorted off by the airline's M.D. It was really embarrassing, but my point is—we need to not have hangovers anymore. They are scarier than a dead slave's eyes. It's time for a safer way to party. It's time to become a DOWNER.
D—Don't Cock Block
This has nothing to do with being hungover, it's just a good party rule.
O—Only 15 hours
If you start at 11 a.m. because you're on holiday and someone gave you a beer in bed, you have to stop at 2 a.m. Sorry.
I hate these idiots who think you need 60 liters of water every day and 40 at night as much as you do, but when you're boozing it kind of makes sense. Every four pints or so you need to surprise your pal with a pint of water.
N—Never after 4:30 a.m.
Nothing that great happens after 4:30. Why keep drinking when you're not even going to remember it? You're turning up the volume on your hangover for no reason. My brother once thought he could beat the system by chugging two beers and doing two gigantic lines at 4:29 a.m. and, though technically that does adhere to the rules, it is considered bad sportsmanship and was heavily frowned upon.
E—Eat your dinner
Food is an important part of every meal. I don't care how busy you are, something has to go in your mouth. If it's a greasy pizza slice or even a fucking apple, fine.
R—Regulate your bumps
One tiny bump every three or four hours. You think you want more, but if you really get in touch with your inner buzz you'll realize you're doing pretty good as you are.
That's all you need to know folks—now get wasted!