Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
Until recently, my longest relationship has been three months. Now I'm in month six with a girl and we keep getting into fights because I think I'm just nervous about how long this has been going. I'm worried I'm gonna screw it up, so I purposefully screw it up to be in control. But I really like her and want to stay with her. What's the secret to a long-term relationship?
Hot Dog Goes the Distance
What’s the secret to a great long-term relationship? That’s easy! White crème de menthe! No wait! That’s the secret to a great Long Island Iced Tea. But maybe try it, because being drunk will probably make anyone more bearable for a prolonged period. But six months is not a long time, so either you’re a teenager or a small animal for whom time goes faster. But the main secret is this: Don’t think about it. Just close your eyes, ignore it, and soon you too can be a in long-term, loveless relationship, just like anybody’s parents who are still together! But if that’s not your idea of a perfect romance, here’s a few things you can try to keep your love light burning all night (and by that I mean until you both die):
- Remember, you’re running a relationship marathon! And just like a real marathon, you need to rub some Vaseline on your nipples and be prepared to diarrhea all over the finish line (her funeral).
- A great secret to long-term relationships is sharing a hobby! Why not take up competitive dressing up balloons to look like dogs. (D.U.B.L.L.D.)
- Always carry a fake eye with you. If she catches you looking at another lady, throw it on the ground and yell, “There goes my wandering eye again!” Everybody loves that, except for people without eyes, who can’t see it anyway.
Sometimes the secret to a long-term relationship is knowing just the right thing to say at the right time. Here are some perfect one-liners to keep any relationship afloat:
- “Don’t worry, I’ve compromised so much by this time, I’m not even sure if I’m a human being or just an extension of our dining room set.”
- “Men statistically think about sex every seven seconds. Once, every 15 minutes, it’s about you. I’d say that’s pretty good odds.”
- “I love you in the way a table seems to love a chair: just because they’re always seen together.”
Lady Bun Loves You Long-Time
Self-sabotage is common in long-term relationships, mostly because being in one sabotages the chances of you sitting on other ding-dongs. See, going the distance usually requires compromise in the form of “freedom” and “ideal body weight.” But conquering those limitations and shedding that “love chub” (as in pounds, not boners) doesn’t have to be difficult if you don’t let it. When it comes to the long-term love, you have to make like a maxi-pad and keep it fresh, carefree, and change it often! And the way you do that is through a little thing called “spontaneity,” which is the opposite of whatever Reese Witherspoon does in movies.
- Familiarity and lower libidos make sex tapes a challenge. Why not try something with a monogamous speed, like a “Mex Tape!” That’s where you film each other silently eating Mexican food while watching the latest episode of Bones.
- Make a scrapbook out of stuff from your single days! It’s a great way to remember the past and keep a record of what you’ll resent him for in a few years.
- Exercising is a fun activity for couples to get those sexy endorphins going! Try running around the park, neighborhood, or the subject of breaking up!
Now that you’ve added a little mustard to that soggy corn dog in your life, it’s time to vocalize your feelings. After all, the key to a long lasting relationship is communication, followed by premium cable and alcohol. Let him know that your bond cannot be broken with these li’l chatters of the heart.
- “You’re like my favorite pajamas--I’ll never have the heart to throw you away even though you’re embarrassing in public.”
- “Don’t worry. I’ve been known to hold onto relationships until they’re a dried-up piece of jerky that not even the dog wants.”
- “When I said you were my rock, I meant something I can kick around from time to time.”
Previously - Age Differences