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The Education Issue

Dear Diary

I saw a cute hip hop guy who was just on my hall but we haven't spoken so we'll see. Tomorrow I officially start school.
Κείμενο Lesley Arfin

September 1997

I saw a cute hip-hop guy who was just on my hall but we haven't spoken so we'll see. Tomorrow I officially start school. College. College?? I'm kind of nervous. I want to do so well and love my shit to death but I also want to have lots of fun. Not even go to raves so much like Cynthia, just chill and take trips and dance at small places, like Prescott and different clubs. Liz seems like she is too cool and sort of bitchy. Amanda seems to think she's all that but she's busted, and I have yet to meet Noelle, who is supposed to be bringing back some crystal (!) Tim is the best, I love him, he's so funny. He claims to be bisexual. goodnight now.

September, 2004

Oh man, I love me some Hampshire College! One of the funniest memories I have is when a bunch of hooligans got crazy with the Krylon one night and spray-painted the sign out front so that it read Hampshire "College." It makes perfect sense because Hampshire is the most not-college college. No grades, no tests, no free-for-all-fucking, no frats. At that time, we were only forced to fulfill a science requirement. I think I brewed beer (successfully, thank you). The two biggest events at Hampshire are the yearly Drag Ball, and a little event known as "Trip or Treat," which happens on Halloween (Satan's B-day). The school fully supports drug use, and even makes a playground for all the kids on E with a bouncy castle, free water, and a "chill out tent." There were three places on campus to live (excluding the dorms, which are for total geek-freshman or "first years"): Prescott ("the city"), Enfield ("the suburbs"), and Greenwich ("the woods"). I lived in Prescott, where we crucified clowns and threw glass bottles at indie rockers and socially conscious wiggers. Oh, the mem'ries we had.

Only one out of the aforementioned people ended up staying at Hampshire. I think it has the biggest dropout rate of any school in the country or something. My entire first year was spent becoming the fag hag I never got to be in high school, which is something every Jewish girl should go through. Really important life lessons learned there. The remaining three years were devoted to figuring out how to get away with as much shit as possible, how to manipulate and coerce people into doing stuff for me, who to look up to and who not to, who to do drugs with and who not to, watching collegy movies like "Meet the Feebles" and "Sweet Movie," learning the definition of "authenticity," finding out what your "issues" are and then "processing" them, and locating the funniest people in the smallest amount of space and befriending them. Another thing to learn is who to sleep with (it's quite incestuous with only 1700 students) and what base you should get to, but that's a whole other entry. We had guitar sing-alongs, heroin OD's, and nervous breakdowns that would make Joan Crawford look like a pussy! College is NOT about saving the drama for Osama. And P.S., I graduated in four years, with flying motherfucking colors.