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INSTANT JEW'S EAR
Sometimes, when you don't want to talk about money or free stuff or whose son's a dentist, it's nice to be able to go to Chinatown, buy a packet of this and just talk to a Jew on your own terms.
We got two of these mailed to us this month. At first, it seems weird that Czechoslovakians think the best way to sell pâté is to have that woman from T_he Rocky Horror Picture Show_ demonstrating a blowjob, but if you have a good look at it, you'll see it kind of works.
When Pearl Harbor had its 50th anniversary, they invited both American and Japanese veterans to come. A lot of the Americans still had trouble forgiving the pilots and refused to shake hands. That's where these candies came in. They served as a slow teaser that eased the grumpy old Navy guys into truly digesting the Japanese experience. After all, both sides were just doing their job, and it's over now.
We highly recommend you pick up these $2 pills and carry them around. Every time someone starts freaking out about nothing, you just pull one out of your pocket, toss it at him, and go, "Here, dude." The person always laughs and he always gives it back, so you can keep doing the joke forever.
BRENDAN DONNELLY SHIRTS
He has T-shirt collections like "27," which features people who died at 27 with the cause of death written on the back in one word (i.e. HEROIN is on the back of Kobain, Pig Pen, and Basquiat). There's also the "Hairy Dudes" collection, which has portraits of Yanni, Prince, Freddie Mercury, and George Michael. And our favorite, the "I'm Still Standing" series, where Lemmy, Iggy, Ozzy and Bob Dylan are painted to look about 1,000 years old.
This sweatshirt is called Parrot and is available from the VICE stores. Donnelly's shirts can also be seen at The New Museum.
DON'T BLOW YOUR LOAD
I don't know if you've ever had a "See How Long You Can Go Without Masturbating" competition, but one of the rules is, you're allowed to beat it (or rub it) as long as you don't cum. The game was getting real popular until some working-class British people invented a board-game version of it that the whole family can enjoy and everyone went "Ew."
SEXY CAT FOOD
Cats have been used as companion substitutes for so long, people are starting to sexualize them. Have you seen the Garfield movie poster where he's wearing Ray-Bans and staring at a hot woman? What? Does he want to dig into her skin and fuck her? Are the little penis barbs going to come out into her human vagina? Does he mind if we humans, in turn, fuck cats? What have all the lonely people done to us?
You think you like that song? You don't like that song. You don't even kind of like a song until you've rigged this thing up to your cunt and had an orgasm from it. That's right: It's a vibrator that hooks up to your iPod. WTF?
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