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The Natives Issue

Vice Mail

We’re planning a Stupid Boring Wimp Issue soon, so please do carefully talk about possibly sending something along at some point (maybe).
VICE Staff
Κείμενο VICE Staff
01 Ιανουάριος 2006, 12:00am

NOMENCLATURE

Hey

Vice

,

Why is there always a reference to Cody Critcheloe in your magazine? Is it some kind of joke? Do you even know if he reads it?

SHAYNA FREEMAN

Via email

DISABLINGLY FUNNY

Vice

,

So, my best friend Chris was in an accident in high school and broke his back. He’s been in a wheelchair for like 12 years. A little while ago, we were walking through the mall past

this store called the Walking Store and he’s like, “Can we go in there?” The 16-year-old clerk had her back to us and yelled out, “Only if you’re walking!” When she turned around and saw that she’d yelled that at a paraplegic she turned bright red and then purple. She was totally terrified. Anyway, he has a really good sense of humor about that sort of thing. I thought I’d send you a picture of his license plate, which was inspired by the incident.

CHARLES WHITESIDE

Via email

He should have started crying and sued her for “hurtage to feelers.”

SNACKING FOR PALESTINE

Vice

,

Here is some kind of chips from Egypt that my professor showed us in class today. It’s Yasser Arafat, and the chips donate to a Palestinian cause. I don’t know what the Arabic writing says.

ANDREW FIELDS

Via email

WTF is happening to Vice?

Vice

,

You guys have become something completely different from what you once were. What happened to being fucking rude, and telling us all about coke and records and sick music like Edan and about different stereotypes of hookers and how to deal with them. Where’s the rawness gone? Wasabi

Via viceland.com

Wow, you’re really going to hate this issue. Sorry. Umm, maybe the Johnny Ryan cartoon will soften the blow

.

THE FUTURE OF WRITING

Greetings,

I’ve been a reader of your magazine for many moons. I’ve always wanted to write for your magazine; however, I know I have to start off as a bottom-feeding fact-checker and fail upward. My writings stem from that of a female looking from a feminist/male point of view at open sexuality, relationships, love (or lack thereof), and so forth. I would love to submit some shit for you to check out.

If this is where I “shout” to get my “voice” heard in your magazine, let me know and I’ll shoot some material over to you to review.

 Later,

REIGN

Via email

We’re planning a Stupid Boring Wimp Issue soon, so please do carefully talk about possibly sending something along at some point (maybe)

.

TIDS ISH-ESQUE

Dear

Vice

,

Like all good consumers who live in a country rich enough to afford buying ironic garbage, I love the Tidbits column. That being said, thank you for filling the Tidbits Issue with actual tidbits and not once resorting to that crap you sometimes pull where you slide in some mundane consumer object like an iPod or Dunks. I don’t care if they do “balance out the negativity” and actually suit the column’s subtitle, reading haikus about footwear and electronics is basically as boring as bread. I hope this means you’ve all finally decided to leave that gadget wishbook crap in GQ where it belongs and free up some space for more racist potato chips and nonsensical sex items.

God bless,

NICHOLAS GAZIN

New York, NY

We might stop doing straight consumer things in the Tidbits, but not because of you. It’s because there could be some dark magick at work. We did Banana Snapple in there a couple of years ago and then they discontinued it. Weird mojo, right? We don’t want to make any more things we like disappear.

INSIDER ART

Vice

,

During the majority of my three-month stint in Woodford County Jail (IL), I shared the pod with a 17-year-old girl named Tammy Wheeler, whom I nicknamed the Squealer. She had the mentality of a five-

year-old and the sexual urges of a nymphomaniac. At one point, everything that she had in her cell had to be confiscated so she would not insert it in herself. I have some really awesome outsider art from her, as well as notes she wrote containing things like “I want to make your puss quiver. You are like a buttyful flower.” One of her drawings consists of stick figures with gigantic penises surrounded by various-size floating penises, for example. I have several different drawings and writings. Her handwriting is very childlike with an enormous amount of misspelling. She was arrested for child molestation and is the first female in the state of Illinois to be declared “sexually dangerous.” Here are some copies of the things she made for me. Her shit is hilarious.

Thank you,

DANA GUSLER

Via email

Golliwog do good

Vice

,

Once I took a bag of old soft toys to a charity shop, the old lady working there called me back as i was leaving, to tell me that they can no longer accept golliwogs and gave me back the three that were in the bag. Apparently a jam company i can't remember the name of stopped using them as their logo so she told me it was no longer legal to sell them. Just looking at ebay and I can now get at least a tenner each for them and to think i was going to let oxfam get a hold of them.

Ewan

via viceland.com

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