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Dos & Don'ts

Hey, lesbians, why you gotta hate? We're not all bad.
VICE Staff
Κείμενο VICE Staff

Hey, lesbians, why you gotta hate? We're not all bad. Some of us are perfectly able to stop talking to our friends for a minute and help a woman remain decent while she goes. I was there, BTW, and the guy didn't even look at her during the main part. He did threaten to kick my ass after this picture was taken, however, but that's good too.

When Japanese girls dress the same they look like wimps. When white girls do it, it's like two exclamation marks!! Pow!! I am now officially totally into colored tights and I wouldn't have known that if they hadn't hammered it home in double-whammy fashion.   OK, I photoshopped out the lip-piercing and now she is totally, 100% perfect. With those huge Cazal glasses and the hat like that, can you imagine how well she dances?


Graffiti gets on my fucking nerves, but this is amazing. It's like a Basquiat fuck-you finger but with funny cartoon balls.   Gay bars are filled with incrediby hot girls who dress crazy and want to go somewhere their overwhelming hotness won't lead to lecherous drunks leaning over them all night. If you go there, you will get so horny your pants will rip.

When picking up guys it's important to let them know you are a libidinous woman who respects the guy's body and wants to explore (even his toes).

Recently, we've noticed girls are wearing everything in the world at the same time. It creates an effect called "partying" and often leads to another thing called "fun night."   You know when you get really baked and you do a funny dance thing around the living room that makes your sister laugh so hard she pees herself? Some people like that moment so much they decide to do it forever.

If you see a guy in a bar with perfect tits who looks like he might be a go-er, don't be a pussy and sit there staring at him all night. Go up there! Rub your dick against his bare ass until he notices you.   Nothing looks better than someone about to get into a fight. Everything about you looks totally on purpose. Even a big beard and a trucker hat makes perfect sense.

Of course, if you get the living shit kicked out of you it's not quite so amazing. You know what? It's probably best to stick to the going-to-fight look and try to avoid the whole just-fought-and-lost look.   Ah ha ha ha ha. Look at his fucking tattoos. A belly-button tribal sun (which is essentially saying, "Pay attention to my stomach") and a motherfucking grandfather clock?! What are we, in Turkey?


What is it with Puerto Ricans where they're perpetually 10 years old? Oh yeah, they don't have a dad.   Naked ladies are pretty, even to people who aren't sexually attracted to women. However, having a woman spread her gash on your back for the rest of your life is totally fucking insane. How white trash are you? Did you grow up in the garbage?

The thing I want to know is, what does this guy think he looks like? Does he see a funky version of Steve Tyler? Does he see an irreverent rocker who does the wango tango?

Give up the bass, dude. You're old.   Guy, The Flash was the fastest man alive. You're a fat pig with a faggy dog. Get a shirt with food on it or something. Right now you're a parody of how slow you are.

Don't get me wrong, heroin is great and everything, but what the fuck is the matter with these people? Hey Dorothy, just because you build a living room on a park bench and click your heels three times doesn't mean you're not in the fucking park anymore. You can't just crash. Junkies are the biggest fucking losers in the world. At least drunks say funny shit.

We're not sure what happened to electroclash. Everyone was into it (even us) and then it seemed to morph into a weird kind of drag-queen-talent-show thing, and now look at it.   Look at these fucking turds. Could they be bigger pieces of human waste, please? Look at them. They're just two big pieces of genitalia with ridiculous hats on. They're not even worth diarrhea-ing on.

Er, if you're going for "medieval biker punk," you might want to get something a little more substantial than a fucking Vespa. Those are for a type of in-the-closet girly man we call a "mod." When you ride it, you look like elephant Satan going to battle on a tricycle.   Shhhhh, don't wake the sleeping Jew. Washing and drying his four-foot-long hair can take all morning, so cut the guy some slack and let him rest.