This story is over 5 years old.

The Animals Issue

Greatest Hits

They blow shit up to save cuddly-wuddly bunny wabbits.

Photo courtesy of the A.L.F

Muslim terrorists who blow Londoners to pieces on the way to work are cowardly fucking turds. But what if there was a group of terrorists who never physically harmed humans? And the only reason they did exciting terrorist things like blowing up cars and sneaking over wire fences at night was to save cuddly-wuddly bunny wabbits? Wouldn’t that be the best, most righteous terrorist organisation in the world? Who wouldn’t want to join that one? What if it had a cool-sounding name like Animal Liberation Front and we ran an article about their “Greatest Hits”? 1. In September 1983, A.L.F caused £1 million worth of damage to the Park Davis Research Unit. The unit was destined to be a huge vivisection unit where they were going to put computers in live monkey’s brains. A.L.F completely destroyed the building and 20 years of files on monkey torture. 2. During the financial year of 1991/2, they completely destroyed more than 100 refrigerated meat lorries from the country’s biggest meat companies by placing explosives under the fuel tanks in the middle of the night. It was estimated at one point that the knock-on invisible cost was £500 million for the meat industries. To make sure nobody ever got harmed in these attacks, the terrorists would place the meat lorries under surveillance to check if anybody slept in the cabs of the lorries. They’d also check there was no risk to animals as well so they’d scatter animal repellent around the area to keep cats or wild animals away. Total heroes. Unless your dad’s butcher’s shop closed down and your family was forced onto the street. 3. In May 1993, A.L.F members used a tiny little boat to row across the river several times to rescue from certain torture and death 80 cute bunny rabbits, including nursing mothers with their young, from a rabbit breeding clinic in Cheshire. The rabbit breeders later admitted in a press release they were closing because of all the A.L.F action. 4. In December 1993, the A.L.F mailed out 13 poster tube devices to various targets to do with vivisection. They contained explosive materials and hypodermic needles. At the time they claimed the needles had been contaminated by AIDS. This was back in the day when AIDS hysteria was still at fever pitch so everybody shat themselves. 5. In July 1994, the Animal Rights Militia splinter group started torching and exploding high street shops like Boots the Chemist. Similar attacks followed in Oxford, Newport and the Isle of Wight, some of which A.L.F martyr Barry Horn was convicted for. He was sentenced to 18 years in prison but died before release after a series of hunger strikes. He was like the A.L.F’s Bobby Sands in many ways, not least because neither of them could “go a chicken supper”. (Joke). ANITA CRAPPERSTEIN