Paula Deen Is Exhausted from Being So Racist All the Time

Photo via Flickr User Bob B. Brown

Welcome to another edition of This Week in Racism. With the assistance of my friends at the @YesYoureRacist Twitter account, I’ll be ranking this and other news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.

– Paula Deen, America’s Sweetheart and expert chef of all things deep-fried, finally came clean about her use of the “N-Word” in a court deposition tied to a discrimination lawsuit filed by one of her former employees. Deen claimed that her Southern upbringing made use of the word natural. That’s totally true. I’ve been to the South. They use the “N-Word” like I use semi-colons; liberally and without regret.

Paula’s “Sorry for Being Racist” press tour was supposed to start this morning on the Today show, but she chose not to make her scheduled appearance, citing “exhaustion”. If I weighed 300 pounds, ate Twinkies for every meal and had millions of people calling for me to be deported to a desert island for eternity, I’d be “exhausted” too.

Fear not Deeniacs, Paula released a video statement today that will clear up this whole mess. I haven't watched it yet, but I heard that in the video, she hands out free watermelon and fried chicken in Harlem to show her support for the African-American community. Big ups to my girl, Paula, for being so generous to my bruthas and sistas. Also, for calcifying my colon through her delicious “cooking”. RACIST

– Here’s a video of a Korean K-Pop star in blackface, presented without comment. For the record, the video is called “Kikwang blackface kpop beast”:

– If you think Republicans aren’t racist towards other Republicans, then you just haven’t been reading this column enough. The GOP Chairman in Montgomery County, Illinois, Jim Allen seems to have no qualms about being a total asshole. He referred to Illinois Republican congressional candidate Erika Harold (who is black) as a “love child” of the Democratic Party, a “street walker” and that after losing to her Democratic opponent will be “working for some law firm that needs to meet their quota for minority hires”. Did I mention she’s a Republican?

Allen resigned on Thursday and told the Springfield State Journal-Register that his comments were “very inappropriate and wrong, and I apologise to Miss Harold and her campaign and her supporters”. Harold is a former Miss America and a Harvard Law graduate, so on top of being racist, his notion that an attractive, capable woman needed some form of affirmative action to get a job is also insane. 9

Photo via Flickr User GageSkidmore

– Level 82 wizard in World of Warcraft Ann Coulter receives this week’s Ann Coulter Award for Excellence in Racism for telling fellow mouthbreather Sean Hannity that the Republican Party will only win the Hispanic vote if they reject immigration reform.

Nevermind that immigration reform is a major issue for Hispanic voters. Let’s focus on the fact that just last week, Coulter claimed that the Hispanic voting bloc was not important for the GOP.

“We can win Hispanics,” Coulter said. “We can’t win them if we keep bringing in the foreign ones.” Of course, every single one of those Hispanics was once “foreign.” I guess the ones we have in the United States now are enough. Consider yourselves the lucky few, Hispanic-Americans! You made it to the bar just before last orders! 7

@YesYoureRacist’s Ten Most Racist Retweets of the Week [all grammar sic'd]:

10. @Ell_Bell123: Asians are over populating the world. #NotRacist

9. @ElisaTheShort: #whatilearnedfromsunriseMexicans are more ghetto than black people… #notracist

8. @xSam_Hakx: I'm not racist but already I'm thinkin racist things

7. @bmxbro387: I'm not racist, but with what's all these nasty, perverted, sick mexicans? Just mainly the 30's+ men.

6. @HaiVikk_23: I'm not racist, but I do stereotype people, lol. I stereotype only because people have been proving them to be correct!

5. @matthewmaxey13: Obama can suck my dick. Gayyyy

4. @bseasholtz: I`m not racist but old mexican men are the f*cking CREEPIEST things alive.

3. @CassyWelzig1: Obama is a joke… No one can take a black person serious!

2. @shaney_speaks: Not racist but I hate all black schools, scholarships, dating sites, clubs etc. If there was all white anything there'd be an uproar

1. @mcgrath40: I'm not racist but, wait a minute yes I am! Exactly the reason I hate the Miami heat! They're pre Madonna yard apes. #Heat

Last Week in Racism: A Mexican American Child Sings the National Anthem, Racism Ensues

@dave_schilling