Dolla Morte Has It All

A few months ago I reviewed a Bill Zebub film called I Told You Not to Call The Police . I stated at the beginning of the review that I had originally wanted to see another of his films, Dolla Morte , but that it was out of print and a copy was impossible to obtain. Bill wrote to me last week to say that was incorrect, and that he would mail me a copy right away. He did, and holy fuck.

If I Told You Not to Call The Police , a film about a rapist told from the point of view of the rapist, sounded in the least bit disturbing to you, or if you care about religion in the slightest, or, really, if you have "values" of any kind whatsoever, you might want to skip this one. The film's stars are all dolls because, according to the disclaimer at the beginning of the film, "You can do very nasty things to dolls that would be too shocking to do to human actors."

The plot seems almost nonexistent, but, to be fair, I was about six beers deep while watching it. While there were many reoccurring characters (a lot of them were introduced individually before meeting and torturing or raping one another) the storyline was disjointed and confusing as shit. Thankfully, after the credits the movie has some cliffnotes, which explain the whole thing in detail, but we'll get into that later.

First up, the opening scene is a crazy guy in a cabin raping the fuck out of some chick with a herculean bush (all the female dolls in the movie have GIGANTIC bushes) and a great big vagina hole. It's gross and graphic.

See?

One of these guys is a cop and the husband of the rape victim, and the other is a river guide of some sort. They have some pretty hilarious dialogue while racing to save the cop's wife from the rapist.

Unfortunately, they get there too late, and then all these zombie babes come out and try to eat the river guide, so he bolts and leaves the cop to fend for himself. This is all within the first ten minutes of the film, and at this point I was pretty convinced the whole thing was going to be about zombies and crap. Goddamn was I wrong.

This lady got tied to a train track by her lover because he was sick of her making fun of him for having a small dingus. It's supposed to look like those old-timey movies and cartoons from back in the days when tying a bitch to a train track and letting her get run over was inexplicably a film-making cliche. He says: "I'm tired of your dick jokes. My dick isn't little. If you want something bigger up your twat, then I'm gonna give it to you. Spread em' wide and let the choo choo in." And he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for an army man who comes out of nowhere to stop the train and check for terrorists (they find some and the train blows up).

Now we get to the offensive stuff. Osama Bin Laden (who appears to have been on a month-long meth bender before filming) is pissed at Christians, so he decides to crucify them. Yes, all of them. Those pretty girls up top there are his first victims.

After he crucifies them, Osama finger blasts them and then licks on their hoo-has for a bit.

On a side note, I'm looking at the image titles I have saved for this post right now, and I feel they are a pretty good indicator of how fucked this movie is: RAPE GIRL CUM FACE, TRAIN UP VAGINA, OSAMA CRUCIFIED GIRL RAPE, etc.

Jesus. On we go.

Enter Pope John Paul II. In His Holiness' first scene he holds a little girl who asks him stuff like: "When God impregnated Mary, did he make sure that she had an orgasm too? Did he give her oral sex? How much foreplay did he do? Or was he a selfish lover?" He doesn't have any answers.

Oh yeah, Hitler is in this thing too. He pops up right after the Pope's scene in outer space aboard the SS Enterprise.

The movie really reaches a crescendo about forty minutes in when Jesus fucks himself on the cross. I'm sure Bill had a rational and totally not crazy reason written into the plot that explained why there were two Jesus's and why one of them was raping the other, but I'll be damned if I caught it.

If you've made it this far, you've probably caught on to the general tone of the film. Just for shits, take a guess at what happens next.

If you guessed "Osama Bin Laden anally rapes the crucified Pope with a pastoral staff before cutting off his penis with garden shears," then congratulations, you are correct.

The whole deal with this movie is that Bush is trying to find something called "The Ink of Fear," which turns out to be the blood of Christ. You see, Bush wants to be immortal, and the only way to become immortal is to become a vampire and, duh, Jesus was a vampire. Bush invades the Ottoman Empire (which is still around in this movie) because The Unholy Grail (containing Jesus' blood) has been there for centuries, guarded by Vlad the Impaler. When the Grail gets moved, riffs appear in the space-time continuum, meaning the story randomly jumps forward or backwards a few decades or centuries, and people like Vlad show up to fight for the grail.

As far as I understand it, that's what's going on here. I'm not going to ruin it for you and tell you whether or not Bush becomes a vampire, but I will tell you that at one point near the end Jesus gets shot down by a Nazi plane in front of the White House while flying on a crucifix, and that Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer kills a bunch of Nazis (one of whom is The Terminator) via telekinesis. Oh yeah, they also show the Prophet Mohammed, which is sort of a big deal.

You can buy Dolla Morte as well as Bill's other films on Amazon .

http://www.billzebub.com/