Cry-Baby of the Week

Let's LOL at a couple of pantywaists again, shall we?

CRY BABY #1: THE UK LEGAL SYSTEM

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The incident: Anderson Fernandes (picture above) stole a single lick of an ice cream from a Patisserie Valerie during last year's riots.

The appropriate reaction: A caution. Or community service, or something.

The actual reaction: Anderson has spent the last 16 months in prison, and now faces deportation and a 10-year ban from the UK.

Here's Anderson's version of events:

"I walked in because the lights were on and the door was open. I walked in to go and buy something. But once I was inside, I realised there was no-one in the shop so I helped myself to the ice cream machine, got an ice-cream and took it out.

"When I came out, I started it but it was coffee and I was going to throw it away. There was a girl standing by and she said, if you don't like it, give it to me. Then I walked to the bus stop and went home."

Which, honestly, is a pretty flimsy story. But regardless of whether he entered the ransacked shop with the intention of paying for the ice cream or not, the fact remains that he stole a fucking ice cream. That's something that's worth what, like a pound? Oh wait, it's Patisserie Valerie, probably like, 7 or 8 pounds – but still, that's a pretty brutal punishment.

P.S: The woman who asked for the rest of his already-licked ice cream is a fucking weirdo.

CRY BABY#2: KEITH MILLER

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The incident: A primary school in Wiltshire showed a sex education cartoon to a class of 10-year-olds.

The appropriate reaction: Breathing a sigh of relief that you aren't gonna have to explain it to them yourself.

The actual reaction: Keith Miller, the governor of the school, quit his job – a position he'd held for 12 years. Speaking to (who else) the Daily Mail, Keith said:

"'Sex education in schools is essential and I am not against it. But the important thing is the way it is done, and this film was showing far too much to children at far too young an age…

Unfortunately I missed the session where the rest of the governors watched the tape"

So, to be clear: He quit his job over a cartoon sex education film that he hadn't seen, because it was too explicit. Cool, got it. In Keith's (slight) defense, the film made news (again, in the Daily Mail) after it was withdrawn from sale by Channel 4 following complaints from Conservative minister Nick Gibb, who claimed it was "a blue movie". So, I can see why Keith would be concerned. But come on, man. Chill out. The figures in the film look like this:

Granted, I also haven't seen the film either, so it might be a bit presumptious for me to label Keith a "cry-baby" off the back of this. But I'd imagine it would be pretty hard to draw these two characters in a manner that comes even close to being "a blue movie". Also, who the fuck says "blue movie" anymore?

So, who is the biggest cry-baby? Please, please, please let us know in the poll below so that we can shame one of these self-serious pussies forever:

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

Previously: Humiliated Beauty Shop Customer VS Cop Who Arrested a Woman for No Reason

Winner: The cop!!!

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT