Republicantics - Screw You, Wisconsin

Greetings, my fellow conservatrons! 'Tis the mighty week when the big, bad state of Wisconsin gets out of its Barcalounger to waddle to the nearby polling destination (probably a giant stinky cheese shop) and casts its lot with one of our fine Republican presidential nominees. Now, it's no secret that while I love all the patriots running for office EXCEPT the Communist sympathizer Barack Obama, I do have a special place in my heart for Lil' Ricky Santorum. Maybe it's my fondness for anyone who actively supports people who choose celibacy and self-flagellation as the path to Christ. Maybe it's because I agree that rape babies are like God's biggest Christmas present (except for that time he shot that ghost into a virgin's vagina and put the Christ in Christmas!)

At any rate, this week is a big one for my Ricardo. On Tuesday, the aforementioned people of Wisconsin will declare who they want to represent them as the GOP nominee, and therefore the next president of the United States. And while everybody and their bitchy mother says that Santorum doesn't have a snowball's chance in liberal Hollywood, noble Richard won't quit even if he loses the Wisconsin primary.

“We’re moving forward, we’re setting up our teams for the 26th. The map in May looks very, very good for us,” Santorum said on Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace.

“You know, if you go past this month of April, we've got these primaries and then five more at the end of the month, the map in May looks very, very good for us,” he added. “Texas, and Arkansas and West Virginia and North Carolina, Indiana, Kentucky. We've got some great states, where we are ahead in every poll in all of those states.”

You may detect an air of dismissal in the way that he focuses on seemingly every other possible state besides Wisconsin. And there's a reason for that. The reason isn't that he's obviously going to lose in Wisconsin. The reason is that Wisconsin is Satan's playground.

Sure, Rick Santorum is inarguably America's best chance for surviving God's wrath during the 2012 apocalypse, but don't expect the devil-worshippers of Wisconsin to recognize that fact. They're too busy indulging their sinful desires and engaging in their freakish, idolatrous rituals. In fact, who knows if even one of them will take the time out of his or her busy bloodletting/virgin sacrifice schedule to pull a lever for any candidate, let alone the one true anointed son of the Lord? And if you think I'm fear-mongering and quite possibly delusional, just check out this list of reasons why Wisconsin is inherently evil and why, by extent, their probable rejection of Rick Santorum should not mean anything to good, God-fearing Christians like us.

Fried cheese curds

Not unlike its fascist Italian cousin, the mozzarella stick, the cheese curd is a miniature grease bomb sent to napalm our arteries into oblivion. These "people" eat them like handfuls of grapes or blueberries. Would normal humans be able to withstand such an onslaught of gross? Nay. But Wisconsinites, who are not humans but evil changelings, live to extraordinary ages before being felled by apparent heart attacks (i.e., being called home to the Pit.) Rick Santorum, who will probably die of an overabundance of goodness, would never indulge in such a sick snack.

Heated garages

Because they miss the high temperatures in their native land (Hell), Wisconsinites often pay to have their garages heated. Oh, they'll say it's so they can have Packers-watching parties in the dead of winter, but I know the real reason. And now so do you. Does Rick Santorum want or even need the support of these heathenish heated-garage-havers? Of course not!

Meat on a stick

Wisconsinites will eat anything on a stick, mostly because it reminds them of their very favorite activity in the world, which is eating the flesh off a human face. Also: fried Kool-Aid! Rick Santorum prefers to stick to ribs, because they remind him of the story of how Eve was created. The man even eats with God in mind.

The bronze Fonz

There is a statue of Henry Winkler in Milwaukee. As Rick Santorum surely knows, worshipping a golden (or, OK, bronze) statue of Henry Winkler is one of the signs that the people of a region have turned away from the one true God and must be smited. Rick Santorum does not need the approval of a people who are bound for a smiting.

These are but a few of the reasons that all good people should ignore the results of Wisconsin's GOP primary. I invite you to share any and all expressions of scorn and derision for Wisconsin in the comments. Let us hold this terrible state up for ridicule in the hopes that it will balm any emotional wounds Rick Santorum may suffer when he gets his ass handed to him on Tuesday.

Previously - The Healthcare Guide for People Who Don't Want Healthcare

@SaraJBenincasa