Republicantics - Equal Pay for Equal Jerks

Greetings, my fellow conservatrons! These are dark days indeed. As expected, the persecution of Mitt Romney by the fascist, bloodthirsty Left has begun in earnest. I will not speak of the execrable attack on Ann Romney by an alleged Sapphist who dared suggest that raising five sons as a stay-at-home mom with Bain Capital money is somehow "easier" than raising one child as a single working mother with McDonald's franchise manager money. Instead, I shall turn my laser-like analytical force upon the contretemps over Mitt's comments regarding the socialist-communist document known as the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.

First, let us examine the nature of this so-called "Act." It was the first bit of legislation Obama signed into law as president, making it the first salvo in his War on Humans. The Ledbetter Act amends the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (itself a highly suspect document, though the lamestream media refuses to launch a full-scale investigation into how it broke the laws of man and God, but whatever) to say that the statute of limitations for filing an equal-pay lawsuit resets with each allegedly discriminatory paycheck. In plain Americanspeak, this means that every time a lady gets her $750 paycheck for doing an undoubtedly shitty, weak, PMS-y version of the same job for which her innately superior male counterpart earns $1000, she has 180 days to file a pay discrimination lawsuit.

And who, exactly, is Lilly Ledbetter? She is a bloodthirsty woman who sued one of America's noblest and greatest companies, Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company, a company so wonderful it even has "good" in its very name. The liberal media would have you believe that she is pretty, blond, grandmotherly, and from Alabama, where she worked for many years at the Goodyear plant as an underpaid employee. The reality—and I've recently acquired documents that will bear this out—is that this comely blond older gal is a humanoid robot built by a Manhattan Project-sized collaborative team of Wiccans, death panelists, Nazi sympathizers and Islamic feminists in order to beguile and then destroy the American workforce.

So how was our beloved Mittens dragged into this distasteful discussion of "equal pay for equal work"? Well, unsurprisingly, the culprit is a woman—in this case, the notorious character assassin and Soviet spy Diane Sawyer of ABC News. Witness this exchange from Monday night's "news" program:

Diane Sawyer: I want to talk about a couple of issues relating to women. This 19-point difference between you and the president on women. Here are some specific questions. If you were president—you had been president—would you have signed the Lilly Ledbetter Law?

Mitt Romney: It's certainly a piece of legislation I have no intend—intention of changing. I wasn't there three years ago…

Diane Sawyer: But would you have signed it?

Mitt Romney: I'm not going to go back and look at all the prior laws and say had I been there which ones would I have supported and signed, but I certainly support equal pay for women and—and have no intention of changing that law, don't think there's a reason to.

There! Satisfied, Diane? He has no intention of changing your precious equal pay for equal work law, so don't you worry that Walter Cronkite or Regis Philbin or the Scud Stud will start earning more ducats than you and get superior facials at the Red Door Spa. Calm down, Diane. Calm down.

And as for the question of whether he would've signed it in the first place, well, it is patently unfair to ask a candidate for the presidency what he himself would do if placed in a specific, actual, real-world situation as president. That's just another case of gotcha journalism, and Diane Sawyer should be ashamed of herself. In the meantime, I'll be ashamed for her.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go speak to the Almighty All-father and One True King of VICE to specifically request that my pay amount to no more than 75% of my male colleagues' pay. After all, historical documents prove that God created woman by taking a rib from man. The least we can do in return is ensure a quarter of our work is pro bono.

Previously - Winning the War on Women

@SaraJBenincasa