Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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Unions are cool now, and the collective bargaining ethos is permeating culture in most unexpected ways. In a June episode of the current season of The Bachelorette, the men “unionized”: Several of them banded together to tell Kate (the bachelorette), at the start of the week’s rose ceremony, that their fellow contestant Karl is a no-goodnik. “We feel as a unit it’s our job to protect your heart, and we’ve come together in solidarity and we think that, unfortunately, what Karl said wasn’t the truth. As a unit, we really feel that’s what you need to hear,” Mike P. said. As a unit! We truly love to see it. And in a testament to the power of collective action, Kate gave Karl the boot. And lest you think this is some new thing, I stumbled across an iconic example during a recent rewatch of Sex and the City. In the Season 2 episode “Games People Play,” Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte tell Carrie that they are done listening to her talk endlessly about her breakup with Big, and that she needs to go to therapy.It’s been more than 20 years since this episode first aired, but this scene—and the idea contained within, that you can and should band together with your friends to firmly but kindly tell an obnoxious friend that they have to cut it out—is quite timely. Now that it’s safe (ish) to do group hangs again, many of us are confronted once again with the unfortunate reality of the duds in our social circles, and the way one friend’s bad behavior can really ruin the vibe. Prior to 2020, this might have been the kind of thing you’d simply stew and shit-talk over, or, if it got bad enough, remove yourself from certain friendships—basically anything to avoid a direct conversation about it.
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But now? Well, most of us spent a good chunk of the past year at home, worried the air might kill us, thinking about how we want to use the rest of our time on this earth. People are refusing to accept minimum wage, quitting their jobs en masse, and taking to the open roads in Sprinter vans outfitted like RVs! And it turns out that a lot of folks simply do not want to spend the better part of their one wild, precious life with people who have main character syndrome or who insist on bringing their horrible partner to every function. So as we get back to socializing—and, as such, get back to dealing with dreaded social obligations—it’s a great time to reset the dynamic of the ol’ friend group, and collectively demand better conditions. Don’t simmer with quiet resentment; unionize!Unionizing won’t work for every friend group, or every situation. But it’s a good option when you’re dealing with a problem that is relatively low-stakes and not terribly fraught—the kind of scenarios one might post about on Am I The Asshole?, let’s say. It isn’t right for, say, concerns about intimate partner abuse, serious drug or alcohol misuse, or major worries about your friend’s mental health. It’s for instances in which your friend is simply being persistently annoying in a very specific way! Some examples:
Step One: Decide if unionizing is right for your friend group.
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- A friend is being terribly self-centered à la Carrie Bradshaw talking about her ex non-stop.
- A friend is trying to make your friend group participate in their TikTok or Instagram content, even though you’ve expressly said you do not want to be part of their TikTok or Instagram content.
- A friend is doing something quite morally repugnant/ethically dubious, and expects everyone to go along with it and maybe even lie on their behalf.
- A friend’s partner is simply intolerable. Maybe this person thinks ribbing people nonstop is hilarious, or doesn’t respect the house rules, or never repays people who front money for things, or is racist/misogynist/classist/etc., and you’re all done with them ruining every house party and beach day.*
- A friend is planning a group trip or bachelor/ette party and isn’t respecting the majority of folks’ needs with regard to budget and general planning.
- A friend’s buddy or partner is being a creep—e.g., hitting on everyone, talking about people in a really degrading way, making lots of “jokes” about sex that leave everyone feeling uncomfortable—and the group wants the friend to stop bringing them around.
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*If the problem is the way a friend’s partner is treating them, and, more specifically, is behaving in a way that is fairly cruel, controlling, or possibly abusive, a confrontation like this could end up being twisted by the partner to isolate the person from their friends, which is exactly what they want! So in that situation, consider a different tack like this.If someone in your circle is behaving badly, you’re probably already talking to your pals one-on-one about how much you dislike it. You might even have expanded these conversations to the bigger group. And, in fact, these casual discussions are a prerequisite to what comes next: You need to find out if the rest of the group is willing to join you in actually doing something about the problem. So the next time a few of you are griping about it, seize your opportunity: “Friends, I think it’s time we put an end to our shit-talking about Jay and just draw a line in the sand: If they want to come on the trip in October, they have to leave Tyler at home. What would you think about us taking a firm stance on this and talking to them about this later this week?” Or, you know, you could just send your fellow gripers this article right now with the eyes emoji! When co-workers unionize, they have to determine what their biggest priorities are. You and your friends will also need to decide what it is you need from the friend of yours who is being annoying at the moment. Again, this request needs to be fair, reasonable, and practical—anything massively inconvenient or super expensive is probably not the way to go (at least not if you aren’t all willing to help offset some of the costs or hassle). The solution should also be specific; avoid anything that is too vague, too subjective, or too annoying to litigate (like “be less dramatic”). And skip any short-term solutions that could allow more harm to be done. Instead of “Sam’s on notice! If they do one more big racism, they’re no longer allowed to come around!!!” it should just be more like “Sam’s no longer invited. Sorry!”
Step Two: Talk to your friends about unionizing.
Step Three: Formulate your demands.
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On the other hand... dare to dream! Just because you’ve been raised to believe that there’s no greater harm than making an annoying person who repeatedly breaks the social contract feel slightly uncomfortable or embarrassed doesn’t mean it’s actually true. So talk with your friends about what you’d like to change, and come up with a simple-to-understand demand, like...
- Kai has to stop attempting to film TikToks with us in them when we’re all hanging out together.
- If Alex is going to cheat on their partner Sam, that’s their business, but they can’t keep talking about their affairs to us, or ask us to tell Sam they were with us when they were actually out cheating.
- Jay’s buddy Tyler is no longer invited to stuff, including the group trip you’ve recently been batting around. Jay is welcome, but Tyler can’t come, because Tyler ruins everything.
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