What’s the Difference Between Boundaries and Controlling Behaviour?

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After Jonah Hill's boundaries were brought into the spotlight, it made many think about their relationships in different ways. The actor's list of boundaries showed an array of points he wanted his partner to live by, from stopping surfing with men, to modelling, and posing in a bathing suit. This garnered international headlines, causing experts and partners to look at boundaries in a different light.

It’s hard to consider what a boundary even is in 2023. People are looking at attraction and relationship wellbeing much differently than they did 20 years ago.

Do we need boundaries in our everyday relationships?

Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed counsellor has said that boundaries is about showing respect to our own needs. Understanding what we want from someone starts with understanding ourselves.

We spoke with Eleanor Butterworth, a relationship expert, to learn more about boundaries and their place in modern relationships.

VICE: Hi Eleanor, What is a boundary in a relationship? 

Eleanor: A boundary means different things to different people but I think of it as the things you need to feel whole, be well and have the space and autonomy to fulfil your potential and live your life in line with your values. Boundaries focus on having healthy relationships, with yourself and others. Boundaries don’t exist to ensure we never feel uncomfortable, challenged or jealous in our relationships. It is also worth saying that boundaries as I talk about them here are different from assumed bottom lines, such as no violence or cheating in a relationship. 

Most couples have boundaries but we often don’t call them that, other terms people use to talk about boundaries are our needs or our expectations.

Should a relationship even have boundaries? 

How explicit a couple needs to be about boundaries will probably depend on how similar they are in terms of what they need and expect in a relationship.

If you are very similar you may not need to assert many boundaries as the lines between you exist naturally. However, for most couples, they will need to talk about their expectations.

Some common areas that couples end up setting boundaries around, whether they call them boundaries or not, include how much time they will spend together, how intertwined their friend groups and workmates are, how they spend shared money, how big things are decided (purchases, big moves) and how they manage things they may not agree on. For example if attending Church is important to me but not to my partner, I expect to be able to go without being challenged, I don’t expect my partner to have to join me.

What makes a good boundary? 

A good boundary comes from a place of healthy relating-to ourselves and others. It is about how we live and manage our lives so we can manage our own wellbeing, the boundary simply creates the space for us to do that. Good boundaries aren’t coming from places of insecurity, control or punishment of our partners.  We express our boundaries through words and behaviour, so for example, if I value being present with people, I may not answer texts or calls until I’m free. That is one way I express a boundary to my partner through my behaviour, not just through my words.

Is boundary setting or compromise better? 

Most relationships will need both compromise and boundary setting. We shouldn’t ever compromise on the things we need to be well and whole as people. For example I won’t compromise on having a relationship with my friends, however, I can compromise on when I have people over to our shared home.  Boundaries are for ensuring we can live in line with our values, compromise is for smaller issues that ensure a couple can accommodate what each person prefers. There may be times you discover that your boundaries are not compatible with your partner, you both need fundamentally different things to live in line with your values, and in these situations, a relationship may be untenable. For example, if one of you is fully monogamous and one of you is naturally non-monogamous, these fundamentally different ways of approaching a relationship may mean that any compromise leaves one of you feeling diminished, in which case having boundaries or compromises will most likely not overcome this.

VICE: What should I do if I feel I can never be in a relationship without boundaries? 

It is normal and healthy to have boundaries in relationships. We also live in a world where power differences and systemic discrimination affect some groups more than others, so boundaries can help assert and protect the space you need that the world may not automatically grant you. They are also part of us moving as a society to having more equitable relationships. For example, women’s time has traditionally been seen as less valuable than men’s, so a woman having a boundary that lets her pursue her interests equally to her male partner is a positive thing.

However, if you feel like you need a lot of boundaries in order to cope with a relationship and these feel like they get in the way of an otherwise healthy connection, you might want to talk with a therapist or do some online research, as they may be more about your attachment style rather than what you need in a relationship. For example, if you grew up consistently not having your needs met by a carer, you may find yourself wanting constant contact from a partner to feel secure, this is less of a boundary and has more to do with how intimacy leaves you feeling vulnerable.

I think of it like playing whack-a-mole, if new unbearable feelings keep springing up for you in your intimate relationship and you try and manage these with more and more boundaries there may internal work that goes deeper than your current relationship that is needed.

VICE: What should I do if I disagree with a boundary my partner wants to set with me? 

You will need to decide for yourself if the boundary is fundamentally against what you need to be well, whole and live in line with your values. If it isn’t on that scale then compromise can be explored, if it is going to impact one of these core needs then you probably can’t agree to it, or if you do, it is really important you pay attention to how it affects your wellbeing.

VICE: Why was Jonah Hill’s approach to boundaries so wrong? 

Jonah Hill’s list wasn’t boundaries, they were rules. We know this because they didn’t reflect how Jonah was going to live his life and manage his own wellbeing, they instead appear to be directed at his partner with no consideration for her needs or values. They also reflect the power imbalances that already exist in our world; viewing women as “unstable”, men believing it is reasonable to control a woman’s appearance, who she spends time with and how she communicates. Some of these could potentially be compromised on, if I feel uncomfortable with how my partner expresses themselves online, I might choose not to follow them,  but it isn't a compromise to control our partner’s freedom. Jonah’s list seems more about him trying to manage his own insecurities in relationships through controlling his partner than boundaries that support healthy relationships.

It is also important to remember that in a relationship we are two separate people, everything our partner does and says is not an automatic reflection on us, and we can give each other space to do the things we love separately and then come together for the things we share. 

VICE: How do we approach talking to partner(s) about boundaries?

All good relationships start by knowing ourselves, knowing what we need and then living in a way that aligns these two things. If we know these things and do these things first for ourselves, it becomes much easier to communicate them with our partner.

The first step is to get clear in your own mind about what it is you need or are asking, considering what impact this has on your partner is also helpful. For example, if I’m clear I need more time to myself to recharge and because I value my alone time and independence, when I share that with my partner I might also include the ways I want us to spend time together as well as apart. Telling our partners what we need, not just what they are doing wrong, is always a good rule to follow when giving feedback.  It is also worth reflecting on if there are fundamental differences in your values because boundaries may not be able to fix these, and trying to overcome significant differences through boundaries can be where we end up with a lot of rules in our relationships that don’t really work for either person.

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