Jesus Christ takes first place easily. As an Area Dad, I alone account for nearly five million instances of his name said aloud PER DAY. I take the Lord's name in vain so often that my kids put money on it. No lie. The other day my son challenged me to break down a soccer net without cursing. He promised me a dollar if I pulled it off. I won that fucking dollar.I wanna commend you for factoring Marco Polo into the mix, but no one ever says his full name out loud during a game of Marco Polo. You either say his first name, or his last. If you count two people saying in the name out loud in a tandem effort, then I guess he's up there. But I'd prefer the whole name out of a single person. To that end, Trump comes in at #2 because of his media omnipresence, even if most people off air just say his last name when they're referencing him. The only people who say his full name are fuckhead cop wannabes who say grace before dinner like DEAR LORD WE GIVE THANKS FOR THIS TUNA CASSEROLE AND FOR THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE OF PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.What name is said out loud the most in the US in a given year? Let's say 2018. Here's my list:
1. Marco Polo (what a great call by me)
2. Jesus Christ
3. Donald Trump
4. Santa Claus
- Jesus Christ
- Donald Trump
- Santa Claus
- Barack Obama
- Kylo Ren
- Hillary Clinton
- LeBron James
- Tom Brady
- Jon Snow
- Kathy Griffin
- John Cena (but not Leeroy Jenkins)
- Justin Bieber
- Bruce Wayne
- Some idiot on The Bachelor
There are. Again, companies wouldn't do this kinda shit if they didn't have reams of data proving that it works. My last back surgery, in 2010, was performed by a doctor who also did a lot of surgeries on guys who play for the Skins. Did this help sell me on the doctor? FUCK AND YES, it did. Did I actually brag to people, "My guy may or may not be official back surgeon of your Washington Redskins!" even though I fucking HATE the Skins and even though the Skins have a terrifying knack for misdiagnosing and mistreating their own players' maladies? Again, FUCK AND YES I did. Cannot recommend my guy enough.I've bought the official beer of the NFL. I've eaten the official chips of the NFL. I can front like I'm above cheap branding efforts, but that shit bypasses my free will and burrows directly into my little sheep brain. Why would I not strap on the official noise reduction headphones of the NFL on gameday to give myself the full NFL experience, I ask you? I want all of that tacky shit. I don't wanna watch football indie-style. I wanna be part of the borg. I wanna be assimilated into the crowd. Even though I'm at home. Even though the 2020 NFL season will be played in an abandoned Home Depot. Official team sponsorships work their magic on any mild to diehard fan that requires maximum gear-age to prove their loyalty. Also, I like the majority of those products.Has the advertisement format of "The official blank of (sports team)" ever successfully swayed anyone? I just heard a promo for the "official tankless water heater of the Chicago Cubs" and can't imagine there has ever been anyone in history that went out and purchased a tankless water heater based on that blurb. Are there really people out there thinking "so THAT'S the OFFICIAL kitchen remodeler Kris Bryant recommends huh?"
Do I really need to explain this to you? And here I'm supposed to be the fucking boomer 'round these parts. Can't I just be happy that this current version of the 60s has better music than the last time around? Anyway, if you want a hater's guide to The Grateful Dead, then a hater's guide to The Grateful Dead is what you'll get.First of all, I'm only 43, which means I shouldn't have EVER been exposed to The Dead in the first place. And yet when I was growing up a handful of suburban white kids around me got into them and into Phish (both bands being a gateway drug to Dave Matthews Band). This was because they liked weed. Which, okay … fair enough. But they also droned on ENDLESSLY about how deep and nuanced the music was. You know how weed makes stoners into insufferable weed evangelists? Same thing with The Grateful Dead. Deadheads push The Dead on people like mayonnaise. And so I was subjected to The Dead's music against my will even though Jerry Garcia was already dead by the time I was a sophomore in college.I hated it. I don't hate The Dead as a front. I'm not trying to look cool by hating on a band that people in 2020 either hate or ignore as a default setting. No no, I truly hate jam band music. I hate The Dead's more economical studio tracks as well, but a fucking 20-minute version of "Ripple?" No. I can't abide that. I need music with STRUCTURE. I need verse-chorus-verse-chorus, etc. I want to know your song is going somewhere. Only special artists get to trash that formula, and The Grateful Dead was not one of them. I don't want a new version of "Scarlet Begonias" every time I hear it live. I am the Donald Trump of music. I demand reliability from the product. If I order a cheeseburger, I don't want the chef to go on a fucking freelance jazz odyssey and put a live goldfish on top of it. And I don't want him to take 25 minutes to serve it to me.It was with great sadness that I read this an old Funbag and learned that you don't like The Grateful Dead. We agree on so much Drew but I'm wondering why? And I'm … I'm just not sure where we go from here.
No. But listen man, I don't know how to play craps. All I know is that you stand at the table, bet on PASS because betting DON'T PASS is bad form, and then you lose money. It's not like blackjack, where the dealer will TELL you what to do if you're fucking clueless. You ask questions at a craps table and everyone else there will run your kneecaps through a bandsaw. I have a doughy white face that invites seething hostility anywhere I go, but I've felt more welcome at fucking jury duty selection than at a craps table.So no, despite his stake in casinos, I don't think Trump knows the ins and outs of craps. He's too busy indulging his true passion: being a racist piece of shit.Jono:Do you think Trump knows how to play craps?
Do you button a shirt from the bottom up, or top down? Or the truly insane option of buttoning from the middle out?
My wife wants to have another baby and I am unsure. We have a two-and-a-half-year-old and she is perfect. We are on a roll now with her sleeping well, life is almost normal again and my wife wants to add another to the mix. I love kids in general and especially mine, but I don't know if I could love anything as much as I love this one. Not to mention the complete loss of alone time (Daddy needs that) and the likely end of our sex life. Plus, there is this selfish part of me that doesn't want to be anyone else's daddy but my little girl's. Anything that would take my attention away from her is not something I want because I don't want to miss anything. Is this normal? We will likely start trying next month and I know when the new one arrives I will love him/her but I just need some reassurance.
HALFTIME!
How many human nipples are there, per capita? Some people are born with third or even fourth nipples, so you might think the number is more than two. But some people lose a nipple due to accident or surgery, i.e. mastectomy. Do these groups cancel each other out? Is there some other group I'm forgetting? Is the average number of nipples per person more or less than two?
The latter. Not close. Even if I have to wipe my ass with paper towel, I'd rather do that than spend the rest of my life cleaning up spills with tissues that are deliberately engineered to break apart the second they encounter moisture. I have three kids. More shit gets spilled in this house than out of the Deepwater Horizon rig. A box of aloe-scented Puffs won't do the job.Worst world to live in: no paper towels forcing you to use tissues to clean up floor messes, or no tissues forcing you to use paper towels to clean up personal messes?
So I (like most guys?) have a collection of socks I no longer wear, and are only used as receptacles for my self-pleasuring. I know them on sight, and keep them in a drawer by the bedside table, so as to not be confused with my good, daily-wear socks. My girlfriend does not know this. Somehow, pre-COVID, one of these used socks ended up with her back at her apartment, and she texted me a pic of the sock asking if it was mine, then, being silly, a pic of it on her (much smaller) foot, to demonstrate it's not hers. Do I tell her?
No.Garrett:Could Trump build a Lego set? You're a dad. You know a thing or two about Legos. Could Trump, without tantrum and without assistance from Barron assemble a basic City set?
As a rule, I am against people blaring their shit out in public. But I'll make an exception for you, so long as everyone in your group is fine with the music. You'll risk Buckley or some other playing partner of yours commandeering the Spotify or requesting more Grateful Dead songs. But otherwise, you're 300 yards away from the next group finishing up on the green. They can't hear it. Play that shit loud and clear. Just don't FaceTime anyone from the tee box or I'll beat you to death with a five-iron.As for the PGA Tour, they would never allow Patrick Reed to blast Lady Antebellum from a Beats pill while he's teeing off at the Cracker Barrel Knoxville Open. It's against the rules for players to wear headphones or use other devices to drown out crowd noise (amusing given that crowds already have to pipe down whenever they're attempting a shot). More important, golf would simply never allow such frivolities out in the open. As Garrett says, it would disrespect the game in their eyes. Jim Nantz would shit an Enya record if a player ever tried it. Golf culture is as miserable and intransigent as the country clubs that birthed it. It'll never get better, no matter how much Brooks Koepka (who is decidedly cool) and other tour pros try to change it. If golf were cooler, it would be basketball. It is not basketball.In recent years, I've noticed an uptick in people using portable Bluetooth speakers while golfing. As a frequent golfer I was initially annoyed by this BECAUSE IT WAS DISRESPECTING THE GAME but then last fall I used one to listen to an NFL game that my golf buddy had action on. It was a lot of fun and it didn't really detract from playing. Now, I always bring a speaker to listen to music or a game while playing golf. Is playing music while golfing an abomination to the game or is this something we will eventually see on the tour?
I never alternate meats when I'm making a sandwich because I don't have the patience. I want my sandwich NOW. I'm not gonna and delicately layer the capicola and ham and pepperoni like I'm a stonemason working outside Kensington Palace. I just want the meat and I don't care how it gets in me, baby. Also, the meat is chewed up and commingled within half a second of me biting into it, so I dunno if I'm losing many flavors in the transaction.But I do respect your commitment to even sandwich distribution. Very democratic of you.James:When making a sandwich, do you alternate meats, like turkey, ham, turkey, ham, etc. Or put all of each meat in one big slab then add the next meat? I've been an alternate guy my whole life, but sandwich joints don't do that. Either they're right and I'm wrong or it has no bearing on the sandwich whatsoever. Thoughts?
I usually flush after an aborted dump on the offhand chance that some INIVISIBLE fecal matter has wafted down out of my asshole and into the bowl, thereby contaminating the water. Also, it makes me feel like I at least did SOMETHING productive in my time in there. Some things don't show up on the plumbing stat sheet.Chris:I've been taking antibiotics and painkillers recently due to a softball-to-the-face related injury. They've made me quite constipated and as a result I've spent a good deal of time in the last week sitting on the toilet with no result. When I finally give up and stand up, I'm conflicted about whether or not to flush. On the one hand, getting up from the toilet without flushing seems crude, but on the other hand, I haven't actually done anything that merits flushing.
That's a perfect question for quarantine and I appreciate that you included so many AUTHENTICALLY Italian products on the list. Now I could put on my little foodie toque and tell you about the stunning diversity of canned Italian fish and other goodies, but fuck that. My answer is Chef Boyardee Roller Coasters. They don't make these anymore. It's arguably our greatest tragedy.Best canned Italian food? I have Beef-a-roni, Beef Ravioli, Spaghetti-O's and Spaghetti with Meatballs.