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The Recent Unpleasantness

Mitt's Box Office Problem

For starters, there's "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days." It takes place in a boarding school called Cram Brook. At one point, the villain—the wealthy son of the governor of a large, hand-shaped state—pins down a gay classmate and performs what is known...
July 13, 2012, 9:00pm

“Mitt Romney has a box office problem on his hands. In about two weeks, the new Batman will be released and the world will learn the enemy of freedom goes by the name Bain. Now, it's a different spelling. But talk about bad timing.”

- Martin Bashir, MSNBC, 7/2/12

SCENE: Aboard Romney's private jet, en route to Iowa.

AID 1: Sir, we need to talk about your box office problem.

MITT: The Batman thing? But I'd been told that was a different spelling.

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AID 2: Sir, it's… not just that. Liberal Hollywood is launching a massive assault on your campaign. They've had years to plan this.

MITT: I'm confused. What are we talking about?

AID 1: For starters, there's Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days. That comes out in two weeks, and…..

MITT: Sounds like a film my own kids might like.

AID 2: Sir, your youngest is 31.

AID 1: The film takes place in a boarding school called Cram Brook.  At one point, the villain—the wealthy son of the governor of a large, hand-shaped state—pins down a gay classmate and performs what is known as a Cleveland Stea…

AID 2: Let's just say he bullies the kid. It gets ugly. They had to cut four minutes to get an R rating.

MITT: Now, wait a minute. That sounds like nothing more than hijinks. Golly, I thought you were going to tell me that there was a "dog on the roof of the car" scene! [laughs]

AID 1: No, that would be the Total Recall remake. The villain in that movie straps a dog named Shamus to the top of a flying car…..

MITT: Hey, I used to have a dog named Seamus!

AID 2: As soon as the car takes off, the dog is—and I'm quoting from a leaked script here—"shredded to an unrecognizable confetti of blood and fur."

AID 1: And in the upcoming Bourne Legacy, a character named Bayne is revealed as a corporation masquerading as a person.

MITT: Now, these are just baseless personal attacks. I think the voters will see right through it.

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AID 1: Perhaps. Unfortunately, some of these attacks are more than personal, sir. Some of these attacks are on your religion and, worse, your business experience.

AID 2: In Peter Jackson's upcoming adaptation of' The Hobbit, a character named Rich Mormney has 200 wives.

AID 1: And he outsources all the jobs to Mordor.

AID 2: We've also received reliable intelligence that the vampires in Breaking Dawn - Part 2 all wear so-called "magic underwear." They're going to be merchandizing it by Halloween.

AID 1: Then there's the remake of The Great Gatsby.

MITT: Great book. I read it at Cram Brook. Horatio Alger stuff.

AID 1: Well, in Leonardo DiCaprio's version, there's a scene where a wealthy buffoon named Schmitt Ronmey gets booed in front of the NAACP.

AID 2: After that, all the other characters just call him "Shit Ronmey." Eventually he trips on his emerald-encrusted toenail clipper and breaks his hair. But his life is saved by state-mandated universal health care.

MITT: Oh. That is bad.

AID 2: That's… not the worst of it, sir.

AID 1: [Whispering] We managed to get a leaked copy of the new Batman script sir. At the end, he…

MITT: What is it?

AID 2: At the end of the film, ah…. [Clears throat] At the end of the film, sir,  Batman holds up Bane's severed head, looks right into the camera, and yells, "Fuck you, Mitt Romney!"

MITT: Adam West says that!?!