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Normally, Thursday night games don’t happen until later in the season, because it’s super exhausting for players to have to go through two NFL games in five days, but now the NFL is like, “Fuck the players, let’s get some weeknight primetime ratings!” Eventually football will be on seven nights a week and my social life will basically come to an end, since I like watching football better than I like most people.
PICK: Green BayTampa Bay (+7) at New York Giants
Man oh man, did you guys see that season opener? That game was awful. No one could run the ball, there were 17 punts and negative eight touchdowns in the first quarter, and the score was 7-3 at halftime. Meanwhile, the Bucs beat the Panthers 16-10 in their first game. So the good news is if you like incomplete passes and punts, this game is for you!
PICK: New York, but no one will care because it will be boring.Arizona (+13.5) at New England
I hope that one day a brilliant sportswriter does an in-depth biography of Bill Belichick. He’s one of the best coaches in NFL history, but incredibly secretive and by many accounts just plain nasty. Remember when he was named as the “other man” in a New Jersey divorce case? I’d love to know what motivates someone like him—a Michael Jordinian hatred of losing? A desire to humiliate his enemies? And does he refuse to give the media access to him because he hates reporters, or just because he doesn’t see the point? Finally, does he know how to smile? Here’s a picture of him “smiling”:
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PICK: New EnglandMinnesota (-1.5) at Indianapolis
Watching this game is going to be like when you leave your iTunes on for a really long time and you’re not really listening to it as it goes through all the albums you’ve ever owned and all of a sudden you’re like, “Oh fuck, New Found Glory! Why am I listening to this?” Then you get embarrassed and turn it off.
PICK: IndianapolisNew Orleans (-2.5) at Carolina
NFL quarterbacks are INSANE. It’s like, “Hey, want me to throw this weird ball 60 yards? And target it so precisely it hits a world-class athlete running at top speed in the hands? And while I do this a bunch of other world-class athletes are trying to knock me down? And if I don’t do it perfectly every time, a bunch of fat dudes will call a radio station and yell about how bad I am at my job? No problem, sounds fun.” This doesn’t have anything to do with this game, but look at this Jay Cutler pass:

PICK: New OrleansKansas City (-3) at Buffalo
Kansas City has a reputation as being a boring town, but at least they have good barbeque. Or at least they’re supposed to. It’s one thing you can say when someone mentions KC in conversation: “Oh, Kansas City? Oh, yeah, heard they had some good BBQ in that town, yessir.” Buffalo, on the other hand, has no such positive associations. “Oh, Buffalo? You’re from Buffalo? Man… Sorry. I mean, shame about the unemployment and the cold and, uh, the heroin epidemic. Glad you made it out.” Buffalo, you need to get famous for some kind of food. Maybe tomato soup? Maybe a new kind of hamburger?
PICK: Kansas City, but cheer up Buffalo, your team is cool too.
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Last week, the Eagles barely beat a team that was quarterbacked by a dude who kept throwing the ball to the wrong team, or at the ground, or into the stands, or at the ghost of his disapproving father that only he could see. And they’re the favorite this week, because sometimes the Eagles look terrible and sometimes they look like they should win every game. You never know what you’ll get with them. It’s like living with someone who insists they are OK without their bipolar medication
PICK: BaltimoreOakland (+2.5) at Miami
This game’s gonna suck real bad. Hey, remember the 70s? Remember when the Raiders did a bunch of drugs and wandered the streets chugging whiskey and sticking their scarred dicks in any hole that looked promising and were Super Bowl contenders thanks to the horse steroids they took? Remember when the Dolphins won every game they played and never threw the ball? Remember fucking Larry Csonka? You don’t even know who Larry Csonka is, man.
PICK: OaklandCleveland (+6.5) at Cincinnati
One time I went to a gay bar in Cleveland. I didn’t know it was a gay bar because no one was wearing a bunch of sequins or anything—it was in Cleveland, after all. It looked like a normal, old school bar where a bunch of construction workers went after work to drink with their buddies and get away from their wives. There was a guy in jogging shorts but I figured he was just a jogger who decided to stop in for a drink. Which makes me wonder how many of those guys in Middle America who slip out for a drink to “get away from the wife and kids” are actually banging each other on the down-low. I bet a lot of them are.
PICK: Cincinnati
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I’m going to introduce a new feature called BEHIND THE STATS that breaks down a game in terms a non-expert can understand. The first installment of BEHIND THE STATS: Houston is good. Jacksonville is bad. Arian Foster is cool:

PICK: DallasWashington (-3) at St. Louis
Here’s a story from the past week about a St. Louis man who was shot and killed over an argument about whether some meat was “pork steaks” or “pork chops.” All the details are amazing. In the shooter’s defense, he was right about them being steaks.
PICK: WashingtonNew York Jets (+5.5) at Pittsburgh
Mark Sanchez dated a high-school girl. Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of raping multiple women. But on the other hand, they can both throw a ball pretty good. (Well, at least Roethlisberger can.)
PICK: New YorkTennessee (+6) at San Diego
Look, this game is on the schedule, they’re gonna play it, it’s going to happen. Just saying, you could probably simulate this one with computers and no one would mind that much.
PICK: San DiegoDetroit (+6.5) at San Francisco
Hey, what if the California gold rush was in 1869 not 1849? Would the 49ers be the 69ers? Wouldn’t that be funny? “The 69ers can’t really get anything going out there tonight. They have to work on their technique.” Ha!
PICK: San Francisco
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Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan! Micahel “The Burner” Turner! Peyton “What Neck Injury?” Manning! Julio “Justifying My Fantasy Value” Jones! A bunch of big fat dudes beating on each other! This is going to be a good game.
PICK: Atlanta@HCheadlePrevious week’s record: 6-9-1Overall record: 6-9-1Previously:The Giant Insane People of the NFL Are Back, Finally
