What's the Coolest Thing Your Genitals Can Do?

Photo by Jamie Lee Curtis Taete.

So it turns out that hawk moths can do this thing where they rub their genitals together to jam up bat sonar signals, allowing them escape the clutches of their attackers. That's obviously very cool – way cooler than anything I've ever heard in respect to human genitalia. I'm pretty sure I once heard about a man rubbing his genitals in the general direction of a lion, but I can't imagine that was for any legitimate reason.

Anyway, I wanted to know if there were any people out there with an exceptional skill hidden in their underwear, so I went to ask some people. Most of whom didn't seem that happy about it. (Watch yourself, Seymour Hersh, the Pulitzer is in the mail.)

Ralph, 22, writer and sculptor: Make ladies cum.

VICE: Oh. Okay. I suppose sometimes the simplest answer is the best.
Well, that’s what they’re there for, right?

Very true. No argument here. Anything else you want to add?
Not really.

Great. Thanks, Ralph.

Charlie, 23, recruiter: That’s the question? I don’t know, really. I’m having a hard time thinking of anything cool. Well, how about this: my friend Ben can make, like, an origami swan with his.

Really? That’s sounds complicated. And kind of impressive.
It is.

Are you Ben’s girlfriend?
No.

So have you ever seen what he’s working with?
I think I did once when we were drunk at a party.

Ben! I've just heard all about you. Is this swan thing true?
Ben, 26, recruiter: Oh yeah. I’m working on a new one, maybe a crocodile or a dragon. Or a lizard of some sort.

Yeah, going reptilian seems the next logical step.
Yeah. I’m going to start a blog to get some ideas about my next move.

Your mother must be very proud.
Yeah. Well, my father even more so because it came from him.

Ah, that's nice.

Helder, 30, web developer: Well, it’s not me, but I have this friend and he does this thing when he gets drunk that he calls the hamburger.

Go on.
Yeah, he whips out his dick and puts it in between his balls so it looks like a hamburger. The last time he did it it was in front of his family. His grandmother saw, his aunt, the dog, the cat – everyone saw.

Ah yes, the old cock contortions at family gatherings trick. I find it interesting that everyone telling me about their friend’s genitals and not their own. Are you sure you’re not just talking about yourself?
No way, man. Mine are too tiny to do anything with.

Ray, 63, semi-retired civil servant: Nah, fuck off.

Yeah, I’ve been getting a lot of that today.
Really? Well, how about this – I’ll try and help you out. I relax.

Okay.
Yeah. Sometimes, if I’m stressed, I’ll leave work early and I’ll go for a swim and maybe have a beer.

What does this have to do with your genitals?
No, you see, I have high cholesterol. So that’s why I do those things. And yoga, I do a little yoga as well. Everyone drinks way too much; I just relax.

Okay, that all sounds very zen. But I’m just trying to figure out if this is a big metaphor for what you can do with your genitals.
I don’t know if I’ve answered your question.

You haven’t. But thank you anyway, Ray, you’ve given me a lot to think about.

Previously - What's the Most American Way to Celebrate the Fourth of July?