Dumb Football with Mike Tunison, Week 3

The arbitrary nature of officiating is something that, to some degree, football fans have to accept in ways that fans of other sports do not. Sure, there are periodic calls for robot umpires in baseball, but even that unlikely bit of soft sci-fi is more feasible than football having an automated officiating process. There are just too many judgment calls to be made in the average football game, at too fast a pace and regarding too much action, to imagine a bunch of self-driving Google Refs getting it remotely right.

It's often said that in football there's a holding penalty to be found on every play. So far this year, it has felt like every one of them has drawn a flag. Week 2 had the most penalties of any week in NFL history. That figure looks to dip some this week, although, unless the Chiefs and the Packers play a pristine game on Monday night, Week 3 will likely still have had more penalties than any week during the 2013 or 2014 regular seasons. If every infraction were enforced, NFL games would be an unwatchable morass—the more the flags fly, the less fun this all is to watch.

That's just one of the reasons why Cam Newton's comments following the Panthers victory over the Saints are so important. After receiving what looked to be a late hit on a pass play early in the fourth quarter, the Carolina quarterback told the press that he complained to lead referee Ed Hochuli, who responded by telling Newton that he's "not old enough to get that call."

Reputation calls are something that football, basketball, and hockey fans speculate and bellyache about constantly, with varying amounts of bitterness. Usually, speculating and bellyaching is all there is to do, because referees rarely lay it out as plainly as Big Ed allegedly did. Not only does it mean that fouls aren't being called equally, it suggests some amount of bias. While Cam Newton is still only 26 years old, he's in his fifth season in the NFL. He hardly counts as a young upstart.

So perhaps it would be useful for Hochuli and his colleagues to release a personal foul seniority chart to clear up the confusion. With more seasons played in the NFL, a quarterback can unlock the right to a new personal foul.

Years 1-3: Defenders launching helmet-first

Years 4-6: Horse-collar tackles outside the pocket

Years 7-9: Being thrown to the ground three yards out of bounds

Years 10+: Dropkicks to the knees, RKOs out of nowhere

Special Tom Brady bonus: Any bodily contact; pushing one of his linemen into him; ugly glances

An Abundance of Caution, with the St. Louis Rams

The Rams had the important distinction of being the only NFL team to set their own field on fire in Week 3. While that was surely an embarrassing incident for the franchise, it's nothing a little deft PR can't spin into a positive. So cheers to the Rams for congratulating themselves for having a Shop-Vac on hand to clear the ash off a smoldering section of FieldTurf that they set ablaze. Whether having a flammable field also falls within their sense of caution remains unclear, but let's assume that the Rams have already resigned themselves to giving up their security deposit when they skip town for Los Angeles within the next year.

Ben Roethlisberger: Unbreakable Neanderthal

Enough quarterbacks were sidelined with injury as Week 3 began that two McCowns, a Brandon Weeden, and the Jimmy Clausen were getting starts. For a moment in that fire-delayed Steelers-Rams game, it appeared as though another of the league's noteworthy passers might be done for the season. Ben Roethlisberger was carted off the field after his left knee took a horrible twist following a possibly illegal hit by Rams safety Mark Barron, who was crawling on the ground at the time. An MRI later revealed an MCL sprain, meaning Pittsburgh will only have to endure its uneasy relationship with Michael Vick for the next four to six weeks.

It's not only in the judicial system where Roethlisberger has enjoyed tremendous luck. Despite being one of the most sacked quarterbacks in the NFL in the course of his career, Big Ben has somehow managed to avoid a catastrophic injury on the field. Sure, there were many years when Roethlisberger could be counted on to miss a few games per season with an assortment of dings, but given the way he courts contact it's odd that there hasn't been at least one serious knee injury mixed in there somewhere. Even when a motorcycle accident sent him head first into the windshield of a Chrysler New Yorker in June 2006, requiring facial reconstructive surgery, Ben only missed one regular season game. However ill advised, he was out on the football field three months later. This isn't so much to praise the guy for his toughness as to express astonishment that Roethlisberger is the world's most fully realized incarnation of Baby Huey.

This Possibly Crippling Injury Brought to You by KFC

I think the hit that injured — Mike Pereira (@MikePereira)September 27, 2015

Former NFL vice-president of officiating and current FOX Sports referee-talking guy Mike Pereira clearly has some sort of sponsorship deal set up with KFC for his quick videos about controversial calls in games. When it comes to discussing serious injuries in the future, he might want to consider dialing back the shilling, unless the Colonel's original recipe can do magical things for torn ligaments. Out of context, it makes it look like KFC is sponsoring the injuries themselves. I have to think we're still a few years away from #brands doing that.

This Week in People Claiming Tom Brady Is Extra Motivated

We all knew these dumb stories were coming. Pre-VENGEANCE Brady was 12-4 and won the Super Bowl last year.— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp)September 21, 2015

As the Patriots continue to pile up the wins, more and more comparisons arise to the 2007 Pats team that ran roughshod over the NFL before being stopped by the Giants in the Super Bowl. Rodney Harrison, a member of that squad, went so far as to make the link during Sunday Night Football.

Among the most irritating things about that 18-1 team was the media and the public's tendency to attribute extra vengeful motivation to Tom Brady, who apparently doesn't play his best unless the league suspects his team of cheating. By the same narrative, every time Brady plays well, it's some sort of act of defiance as opposed to him just being really good at football. It's insufferable, and also very dumb.

On Sunday, the Patriots laid waste to the Jaguars—just totally bodied them. Tom Brady threw for his 400th career touchdown. This happened because the Pats are good and the Jags are not. Or was it all revenge for some perceived slight? It definitely wasn't, but your alpha Massholes aren't hearing it.

Anyone think Tom Brady was motivated by former Jags QB Mark Brunell's comments against his character this offseason?— Boston News™ (@bostonews1)September 28, 2015

Rest assured, Tom Brady did not play any better against Jacksonville because Mark Brunell questioned Dreamboat's integrity on ESPN during the off-season. It's about as likely as his pregame kiss with Bob Kraft lifting his game. I would be amazed if Brady thought about Brunell at all in the week leading up the game. Why should he? Brunell hasn't played for Jacksonville in 12 years. No one is thinking about Mark Brunell except for creditors. Please stop this now, Boston.

Oh God, the Bengals Might Be the Biggest Threat to the Patriots in the AFC

The AFC is a wreck so far. Even though they came back to win Sunday, the Colts have been mostly a disaster. The Broncos have started 3-0, sure, though Denver looks more vulnerable than ever and there are serious questions about whether Peyton Manning can withstand another full season, especially given the questionable protection from his offensive line. The Steelers lost to the Pats in Week 1, and now won't have their quarterback for at least a month. The Ravens look done already.

That leaves Cincinnati, a legitimately talented team that can never seem to get past the Wild Card round. Could the Bengals conceivably knock off the Patriots? Sure! That is within the realm of things that could possibly happen! Do I have an ounce of faith that they will? My goodness, no.

Steve Smith Called George Iloka A Fuccboi, Because Steve Smith Is Great

Steve Smith had perhaps the perfect Steve Smith day on Sunday, catching a ton of passes, scoring two touchdowns, and being caught on camera giving a quick scouting report—"Trash, Trash, Fuckboy," if you're not a lip reader— on the Bengals secondary. We must treasure the 2015 season, because it is Steve Smith's last, and football won't be the same without him.

In Which J.J. Watt Does Not Record A Sack But Acts Like Jimmy Fallon

J.J. Watt's streak of seven straight games with a sack ended in Sunday's win over the Buccaneers. Nevertheless, the Texans defensive end remains a great friend to #content producers around the Internet because he inadvertently got "Saved by the Bell" cast members to reach out on social media. Before we know it, he'll be slow jamming the news. In fact, I can't believe that hasn't happened yet.

The Adorable Friendship Of Warren Buffett And Ndamukong Suh

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett and human unsportsmanlike conduct penalty Ndamukong Suh have a relationship that dates back to Suh's school days at Nebraska. On Sunday, the friendship went to the next level, with Buffett standing on the Miami sideline in a Suh jersey and pads as his buddy's team was getting trounced by the Bills. He even made off with some money from a sideline reporter. I expect nothing but the best from this duo as they travel the countryside, stomping on fools and taking their money.

I just interviewed Warren Buffett. Jokingly handed him a dollar for his time at the end of it. SOB put it in his pocket and walked away!

— Jeff Darlington (@JeffDarlington)September 27, 2015

Miko Grimes Keeps Keepin' It Way Too Real

The Miami-area sports talk figure and wife of cornerback Brent Grimes was arrested at Sun Life Stadium on Sunday on charges of disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. If you're unfamiliar with Miko, she has some interesting reasons for her distrust of the authorities. Frankly, she needs to push for her husband to be traded to Seattle, so he can play for a coach more sympathetic to her worldview.

Our own country crashed planes into the twin towers, but u want me to believe in our govt and the judicial system? HA! GTFOH!!

— Miko Grimes (@iHeartMiko)June 9, 2015

Fan of the Week

I never claimed this to be an honorable award! I don't endorse anyone putting on redface, though this, um, Washington football fan is basically the best friend of anyone who wants the team name to be changed. If I were the sort of person who defended the name, I'd desperately swear this person was a plant secretly working for an organization trying to change the name. It's that bad. This is idiocy so profound and so clueless that crying "false flag" almost seems reasonable. Imagining the person who legitimately thought this was a good idea is hard, even within the ranks of NFL fandom. So cheers to you, sir, insofar as you're advancing the cause of people you probably dislike, simply by demonstrating what your side really thinks.

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. A.J. Green

2. Khalil Mack

3. Devonta Freeman

4. Von Miller

5. Brandon Weeden—way to hold a new Cowboys record, buddy!

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

1. Colin Kaepernick

2. All the Florida teams

3. Sunday's late afternoon slate of unwatchable blowouts

4. Kirk Cousins

5. The Chicago Bears

As for Tonight…

Get ready for a lot of revisiting of the 2005 NFL Draft. Did you know that Alex Smith was the first overall pick, yet Aaron Rodgers went much later in the first round? Despite eventually being better? A lot of people forget that, but it's true. With the benefit of hindsight, everyone gets to be incredibly smug. Or more smug.

Without an incredible performance by the Kansas City defense—a remote if not inconceivable possibility—it's hard to see the Chiefs prevailing in Lambeau. At the very least, they'll have to settle for hoping Jamaal Charles doesn't put the ball on the ground multiple times again. Maybe Alex Smith will finally pull off that passing touchdown to a wide receiver that has eluded him for more than a year now. Ride those Alex Smith five-yard crossing routes to a competitive defeat, KC. Ride with honor.