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New Identities to Try on Your First Day of School

At a new school, no one has to know that your nickname was "Stains" or that you gave a substitute teacher your phone number. This can be the start of something entirely new.
Photo by Alexy Kuzma via Stocksy

One of the most exciting parts of attending a new school—whether you graduated, got expelled, or your parents moved and you hate them so much you got a second Rage Against The Machine poster to put over your first one—is the opportunity for a fresh start. At a new school, no one has to know that your nickname was "Stains" or that you gave a substitute teacher your phone number. New peers, none the wiser, might think you actually have a nose piercing. They might believe your sister's really dead. You can be a whole new you! Or a whole new somebody else. Or one of these people:


Exchange Student
I spent a full week as an excited, terrible 14 year-old debating whether or not to rock up to my first day of high school with an accent, because "no one would know I wasn't British." Failing to do so is the greatest regret of my Canadian-accented (see: BORING) life. Don't make this mistake, kids! Buy any kind of hat and adopt any kind of accent, and everyone will believe you are some kind of exchange student from foreign lands. And who doesn't love foreign lands? (Racists, I guess, but you don't want to be friends with them anyway.)

Swap the hat for a leather jacket and tell one teacher (it just needs to be one) to "fuck off." Try a cigarette very publicly, chew gum in a slutty way, or do that thing where you make a V with your fingers and use your tongue to make it look like you regularly engage in or are at least flirting with the idea of cunnilingus. Tell people you're into "dark shit" and do not elaborate. Edgy.

Person With A Much Older Boyfriend Who Goes To College Out Of State
Maybe he's real, maybe he's one of those Japanese love pillows, but he sent you the cutest sweatshirt in the mail and you've totally been fingered.

Internet Celebrity
Spend the summer building #relationships with #brands until your squad scores a lucrative Jansport sponsorship. Find a Vine star who looks somewhat like you and commit low-key identity theft. Look much better on the internet than in person. Tweet about how you're staying in with pizza for one in the middle of a party full of your IRL friends. Start the process of becoming emancipated and move into an apartment with a friend of yours who vlogs. Isn't 2015 great?


Make Up Girl
Watch enough YouTube tutorials to really get the hang of a few impressive makeup tricks. Wake up every day before school and make yourself completely fucking flawless for hours. Make plans to drop out of school and use the word "cosmetology." Help the drama nerds look good for their nerd plays. Take power from the born-pretties through sheer force of mascara and highlighter. Remember to touch up your contour after gym.

Someone Who's "Not Into Drama"
NB: If you have, by choice or necessity, taken a stance regarding whether or not you are "into drama," even if your stance is negative, you are 100 percent completely into drama. Embrace this by being the kid who throws things, calls their friends "lying bitches" and talks loudly about their parents' divorce. Never let anyone come over after school in case they find out your mom and dad are happily married to the point where they still touch each other's butts sometimes.


Is it something you had in the back of a Toyota Sienna, or is it your entire deal now? Up to you, but you should carry lube with you at all times just in case. Maybe have a boyfriend that's a DJ, and definitely ostentatiously borrow a hair tie from a Known Virgin because you need it for "giving blowjobs" after third period.

It's an identity, don't be ridiculous.