How Old Are You in Trump Years?

About one human year is equal to seven dog years, although according to the American Kennel Club, this conversion is not entirely accurate. But I'm not here to argue with the American Kennel Club. I'm here to explain Trump years.

Since the former Apprentice host was inaugurated on January 20, he has fired the FBI director and his chief-of-staff, cycled through two communications directors, had a national security adviser resign in disgrace, tried to institute a ban on transgender people serving in the military via Twitter, "joked" that police officers should use excessive force on suspects, suggested health insurance only costs $12 per year, botched at least one Middle East crisis, pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord, declared war on all of cable news (except FOX, of course) and the "fake media," threatened to take away health insurance from Congress after it failed to pass the healthcare bill, launched more than 50 Tomahawk missiles at Syria, tweeted "covfefe," claimed he invented the phrase "prime the pump," wondered why America had a civil war, berated his attorney general for not going after Crooked Hillary, touched a suspicious-looking orb, and somehow found the time to play more than 30 rounds of golf.

The calendar tells me Trump has been president for a mere 193 days, but that measurement does not take into account how we perceive the passage of time, or the fact that time is but a construct of the human imagination, and a myth propagated by the capitalist machine in order to steal our labor. Trump must have been in office for so much longer than 193 days. How else can I explain why I've completely lost my youthful glow before my 24th birthday?

The answer is that Trump days are not like normal days. Some Trump days are far longer than a week, like last Friday, which included the Republicans failing to pass their "skinny" Obamacare repeal bill, the aftermath of Scaramucci's crazy New Yorker interview in which he said that Steve Bannon is "trying to suck [his] own cock," the White House replacing chief-of-staff Reince Priebus with Director of Homeland Security John Kelly, Trump telling a crowd of police officers to be "rough" with suspects, Russia ordering the US embassy to cut its staff, a North Korea missile test, and the Treasury ending an Obama era retirement savings program. Other days, like the rather quiet Sunday we just had, are still about a day in regular time.

But on average, a day under the Trump administration translates to about a week in what we understand as regular time. He's actually been president for approximately three years, nine months, and one week. Which means I've gone from being a carefree 23-year-old to a mature, less idealistic, entirely exhausted 27 in just six months. This, of course, is an approximate calculation, because each day is a fresh hell we can truly not anticipate.

This isn't necessarily bad news for me specifically, considering I spent the majority of my childhood yearning to be an adult—I'm an old soul!—but most people don't want to age so quickly. Especially considering the president still has 1,267 regular days—or 24 years, four months, and three weeks in Trump time—to go. I'll be well into the middle age at a spry 51 by the end of this nightmare, and that's assuming he doesn't get reelected.

Trump, on the other hand, is 71 in regular years, but 74 in Trump years. By the end of his term, he will be 98 Trump years old. Bernie Sanders will be 102 Trump years old, while John McCain will be 107.

So how old are you in Trump years today? Simply add three years, nine months, and one week to your current age. And if you dare, you can calculate how old you'll be by the end of this mess by add 28 years, three months, and three weeks to your current age. If you're too lazy to do the math, don't worry, I got your back.

Damn, I can't wait to die of old age.

Follow Eve Peyser on Twitter.