Nope, a Virgin Mother Didn't Just Give Birth to a 'Magical Baby'

Welcome to Can't Handle the Truth , VICE Indonesia's summary of the most popular and most talked about hoaxes and fake news circulating this week.

Things were pretty quiet in the Indonesian news cycle last week. A salt shortage? A political meet-up to discuss the 2019 presidential election? Zzzzzzz…

But thankfully, the mysterious cabal behind Indonesia's fake news epidemic know that the only antidote to a slow news week is piling on the weird. How weird? Glad you asked.

Israel, tired of Indonesia "meddling in their internal affairs," is going to attack the archipelago. That's more or less the headline that went viral on Facebook last week. Cue a bunch of passive-aggressive posts reading, "I don't know if this is legit, but I'll share it anyway just in case." Just in case? Why the hell would you share something false "just in case"? In case of what? In case we didn't know you were a gullible idiot?

So what did Indonesia allegedly do to piss Israel off so bad? I mean in a place where angry, stone throwing protests are the norm, it would have to be pretty bad, right? Some next level, no more diplomatic ties level shit right? Oh wait… we already don't have diplomatic ties with Israel.

Nope. The issue here is hackers. Indonesian hackers to be specific. Indonesian hackers who are so pissed off about the whole Al-Aqsa Mosque mess that they're defacing Israeli government websites in protest.

So who in their right mind would believe someone who says Israel was going to attack over some defaced websites? Too many people, that's who. Let's look at the facts here. Indonesia is more than 8,700 kilometers away from Israel. And Israel itself already has to deal with actual problems back home, as well as, you know, long-simmering issues with its neighbors like Iran. I think it's safe to say that some hacked websites aren't at the top of Israel's list of pressing issues.

Here's a tip for the next time you see a story like this on social media. Ignore it. If this was true, then it would be all over the international media. You wouldn't need to hear about it from some poorly edited Facebook video. Save those #BoycottIsrael and #SavePalestine hashtags for the comments section of your favorite news source.

But this hoax got me thinking. What if Indonesia's secret weapon was cyber bullying? I can't even count the number of times someone said something controversial, then had to shut down their social media accounts amid an avalanche of trolls and cyber bullies. Maybe we can mobilize this internet anger and use it to win every digital war out there? The US has the "biggest bomb ever." Indonesia has Lambe Turah. We all know one which is a stronger deterrent.

WhatsApp groups are the best free entertainment out there. They're a steady source of tired, unfunny jokes, stubborn people arguing, and the fake news on the hour, every hour. One of the weirdest fake stories from last week centered on some ISIS militants who disguised themselves as doctors so they could inject people with "the AIDS virus." How? By telling everyone it was a free vaccine.

OK, so most people should be able to spot the issues here pretty quick. First of all, there is no such thing as the "AIDS virus." AIDS is the disease caused by HIV. But guess what? When the story hit our WhatsApp, it was already terrifying people out in Pasuruan, East Java, and then again in Bireuen, North Aceh, where it was changed a bit from a vaccine to a free blood sugar test.

But if you missed the whole "AIDS virus" thing, then the next detail should've given it all away: the fake doctors were both members of ISIS and the PKI (the Indonesian communist party). That's right, they're Islamist militants AND communists! Who knows how those two things can exist in one person, but, whatever, ISIS and the PKI together?! No wonder everyone was so afraid. But I cant help but feel like these hoaxers could've taken things further. Could you imagine the panic if these fake doctors were ISIS, PKI, and begal sadis as well? The story would literally break the damn internet. Talk about a missed opportunity.

So anyway, the authorities were quick to shut down this fake story. In East Java, the head of the local health ministry told people to think twice before passing on a story so blatantly fake. "It's obviously a hoax," Kohar Hari Santoso told local media. We couldn't agree more.

In Aceh, the local police said that even the basics of the hoax were inaccurate. "This message has been popular since the beginning of May," police chief AKBP Riza Yulianto told local media. "Back then I was not even the chief of police in Bireuen."

Maybe this is the real reason so many people make up fake news stories in Indonesia: they always wanted to be real journalists, but they're just too sloppy with even the most-basic facts. It's time to up your game guys.

This one is so nuts that I don't even know where to start. A 19-year-old woman named Utje Ramadani from a village in South Sulawesi reportedly gave birth to a live baby three hours after getting pregnant. You read that right, THREE HOURS.

As if that wasn't already unbelievable enough, the mother was apparently a virgin. That's right this was a virgin birth. Oh, and the baby came out and immediately started to talk. Almost forgot about that super-important part of the story. The baby could talk.

So, of course, all the woman's neighbors were pretty interested in seeing this magical talking baby and its virgin mother. But Utje's family wouldn't let anyone see the child. Why not? If I had a magical talking baby, you better believe that child would be on the talk shows immediately.

Eventually, the hoax got so out of control that the local police decided it was time to step in. The cops took blood samples from the child and its parents. No one at the police station believed this was a divine baby born from a virgin mother, and they were prepared to use science to shut the rumors down.

So the police obviously saw the baby, right? What's up? Did it talk to them? Hell no. The baby couldn't say a thing. And the mother, who received a medical exam from the local health clinic, looked like she had been pregnant for some time. Oh well. So much for the whole virgin birth thing. At least there's a plus to this baby not actually being able to talk: the mother still has a few years before her kid can ask her why the hell she made the whole thing up.