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The pioneers chased all the natives and frogs up to the top of the country, and now they span from coast to coast. The only thing to do up there is hunt, but the bugs are so insane it's almost impossible to hold onto your sanity. If you eat a sandwich, it's 30 percent black flies. If you take a shit in the woods, your ass will be covered in itchy freckles within about 20 seconds. It's hell on earth. EASTERN CANADA
This used to be an okay place to live. It was mostly fisherman descended from the Irish, and there was some money to be made fishing cod. Then one day, for no particular reason, all the fish disappeared. Now all they do is drink and do sad jobs like telemarketing and tech support. HALIFAX
The Underground Railroad ended here, so it's about 50 percent black. There is a ton of racial tension, and one time it got so bad a bunch of black guys moved next door and started a town called Africaville that is 100 percent black. There's a good hip-hop scene, though (check out Buck 65 when he was called Stinkin' Rich). CALGARY
There's a lot of oil and ranching here, and they have a big rodeo called the Calgary Stampede. It's weird to see full-on cowboys wearing the boots and the 10-gallon hats in the middle of Canada. WINNIPEG
You have to give respect to anyone you meet from Winnipeg, because they live in the coldest place on earth. It's fucking –23°F (–31°C) for about six months of the year! By the way, just so you know we're not another pile of ignorant Americans poking fun at this easy target, we'd like you to know that America sucks balls, too. And so does Europe. In fact, the only bearable areas in the world are Montreal, New York City, Austin, Glasgow, Utrecht, Barcelona, Genoa, Languedoc, Paris, and Berlin. The rest of the world is filled with boring dipshits that like the Dixie Chicks and have fart in their hair.