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The Travel Issue

The VICE Guide to Canada

That's right America. Canada is not cool. It's bigger than you, correct. It's home to great things like poutine (fries, cheese curds, gravy, repeat).
December 1, 2004, 12:00am

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1. Americans call round ham "Canadian bacon" even though such a thing does not exist in Canada. 2. Americans don't leave at the end of the movie, and will sit there watching all the credits, even the logos. Canadians aren't into credits and will write articles that go on for pages and pages under a made-up name. 3. Lots of Americans have never used a condom. Also, American girls aren't into blowjobs until the third date and insist on getting down to full-on slamming right away. Canadians fit into two groups: the English, who never fuck, and the French, who like to have about three orgasms before any penetration happens. 4. Americans rarely finish college and make you feel like a pompous asshole if you use a word like "sycophantic." They don't know anything about any other country but their own, they have never been overseas, and they think reading is for gaylords. 5. Americans hate French people with a passion. If you speak French at an American French restaurant, people will freak out on you. They even get mad if you pronounce "croissant" right. 6. Americans are petrified of talking about anything racial, no matter what. For example they don't even know that blacks are only 8 percent of the population. They think it's 50 percent, because that's what it is on TV. 7. Americans know the full name and entire history of every actor in America, even Jason Bateman. This is related to No. 2. They love celebrities. Even smart girls will buy a copy of In Style for the train and happily read about Woody Harrelson's bathroom. 8. Americans are weird about confrontation and would rather get you back secretly. Like, if you had done something to piss a guy off he would bang into you on the way out of the cafeteria and say, "Oh, sorry," so you couldn't do anything about it. 9. Americans are really, really into Thanksgiving and the whole city shuts down that day. America used to have the same day as Canada, but Roosevelt moved the day to November to encourage Christmas shopping. Americans don't seem to mind, even though you're supposed to be celebrating the harvest and what's being harvested in late November? Snow pies? 10. Americans hate being criticized and even homeless natives get mad when you point out things like No. 4. Canadian identity is so wrapped up in American criticism, Canadians spend most of their time in high school trying to come up with something better than, "At least we're not a bunch of uneducated Americans." Basically, the main difference is this: Americans are weird about having their picture taken, and they want their name on everything because they think you're going to get rich off of them. The American dream used to be "work really hard at something and don't let people walk all over you and you will prosper." Then that dude who invented Pet Rocks got rich because he was smart about copyrights. After that, everything changed. Now the American dream is "getting rich is a lottery and you never know what's going to catapult you into prosperity so make sure you copyright and get credit for every little thing you do, no matter how irrelevant, and you will become as rich as the Pet Rock guy." Canadians live in a communist country so even if they never get credit for anything, they're all looking at free Medicare and indexed pensions from here to eternity (no matter what that does to the dollar). If you are still reading, you must be one of those weird Canadaphile Americans that rode the Trans-Canadian Railway and knows who Margaret Trudeau fucked. Let's just empty our whole load on your face so you never ask us about Canada ever again… NORTHERN CANADA
The pioneers chased all the natives and frogs up to the top of the country, and now they span from coast to coast. The only thing to do up there is hunt, but the bugs are so insane it's almost impossible to hold onto your sanity. If you eat a sandwich, it's 30 percent black flies. If you take a shit in the woods, your ass will be covered in itchy freckles within about 20 seconds. It's hell on earth. EASTERN CANADA
This used to be an okay place to live. It was mostly fisherman descended from the Irish, and there was some money to be made fishing cod. Then one day, for no particular reason, all the fish disappeared. Now all they do is drink and do sad jobs like telemarketing and tech support. HALIFAX
The Underground Railroad ended here, so it's about 50 percent black. There is a ton of racial tension, and one time it got so bad a bunch of black guys moved next door and started a town called Africaville that is 100 percent black. There's a good hip-hop scene, though (check out Buck 65 when he was called Stinkin' Rich). CALGARY
There's a lot of oil and ranching here, and they have a big rodeo called the Calgary Stampede. It's weird to see full-on cowboys wearing the boots and the 10-gallon hats in the middle of Canada. WINNIPEG
You have to give respect to anyone you meet from Winnipeg, because they live in the coldest place on earth. It's fucking –23°F (–31°C) for about six months of the year! By the way, just so you know we're not another pile of ignorant Americans poking fun at this easy target, we'd like you to know that America sucks balls, too. And so does Europe. In fact, the only bearable areas in the world are Montreal, New York City, Austin, Glasgow, Utrecht, Barcelona, Genoa, Languedoc, Paris, and Berlin. The rest of the world is filled with boring dipshits that like the Dixie Chicks and have fart in their hair.