The Hat Squad

Photo by a member of HATS who for obvious reasons will remain anonymous.

Once a Jew, always a Jew, right? Well, if your mother is Jewish, I’m sorry son but you just don’t have any say in it. Try telling that to the estimated twenty two percent of mature Jewish males living in New York City who wish they hadn’t been born so. Even better, tell that to the fourteen percent who often deny or attempt to hide the fact. Or, better still to the nine percent who have renounced altogether their ties to Judaism. Heck, while you’re at it, why don’t you let the two percent of Jewbies aged between eighteen and thirty, who hate their people so much that they’re getting their foreskins reattached, know that they’re out of their fucking minds! Yes, while the horror of those Chinese dudes barbequing newborn female babies in Beijing sets in, have a closer look at a procedure that is happening in your own backyard. Two years ago in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, a group of reformed Jews and progressive Rabbi’s established an underground and illegal community service called HATS (Hebrews Against Torah’s Savagery/Hebrews Against Torturous Surgery) to essentially ‘give back’ what was taken from all Jewish men at birth. While a small number of patients want a foreskin graft in an attempt to mend some of the dead nerve endings in the shaft of the penis and achieve a more natural and sensitive form of sexual gratification, the majority of dudes are going back under the knife after losing faith and confidence in the promise of Jewish assimilation into the wider society along with their disdain for the archaic, brutal practices and traditions such as circumcision that have long been deemed by academics as false and irrelevant. The founder of HATS (a 32 year old Rabbi who doesn’t want to be named—so we’ll call him Ishmael) went online and found a growing number of disillusioned Jews across the world who, while happy enough to accept their place as members of an ethnic or cultural group, refused to accept the Torah as the word of god. Many of these people refused to accept the circumcision of their current or future children. Ishmael was introduced to grown men who felt that their human rights were violated as babies and sought a solution to the lasting physical and emotional pain of having their baby dicks messed with at such a tender age. Now, if these guys are so against infant slicing, what are they doing cutting them off and putting them back on their mates? Vice: What about the children you circumcise to get the transplant skin? Ishmael: Are you serious? We don’t take the skin from Jewish newborns. Never. The skin is too small and not elasticized yet so it won’t stretch to the necessary size. We only use donor foreskins from grown CONSENTING adults who embrace Judaism at a later age and require the operation for their transformation, or those out there who have it removed for purely cosmetic reasons. There are a surprising number of non-Jewish men who want it gone. How do you find the donors considering you’re performing illegal backyard operations? We have to be very careful. We use pop-ups on cosmetic surgery websites offering our service at a much cheaper rate in return for the donation of the foreskin. There’s a strict screening process that we go through which I will not talk about further. Don’t you feel a touch hypocritical performing an operation that you guys abhor? No, because these men have a choice and they aren’t Jewish so it has nothing to do with the reprehensible torture and butchery of innocents. Did you know Moses didn’t even circumcise his child and it didn’t change him. It is also convenient as the recipient will be ‘reborn’ so to speak with an untainted foreskin. Do you ever worry about botching an operation and going to jail? Not really. Most circumcision related deaths are to infants and there are complications with almost forty percent of them, but they are small and their young bodies can’t handle such a traumatic experience. We are all very experienced in this area. The only problems we encounter are when the transplant won’t take to the recipient penis and we have to remove it again. That isn’t so much of a problem because we can on-sell them to plastic surgeons to use as eyelids for vain middle aged patients. NEIL COLLINS