GEORGE LOPEZ IS GOING TO DIE

You know George Lopez? America's strategic reserve of latino jokes and Scarface impersonations? Well guess what: he's a dead man.

Now, I'm not going to kill him or anything. In fact, I'm kind of sad he's going to die. His comedy is pretty lame, but he hates Jay Leno and Carlos Mencia, and that's enough for me. But the fact of the matter is that he's signed on to play Speedy Gonzalez in some upcoming piece of crap. And that's a death sentence.

Western comedies have killed more heavyset comedians than diabetes and speedballs combined. John Candy died filming Wagons East. Chris Farley died filming Almost Heroes. And mark my words, George Lopez will die filming The Speedy and the Gonzalez, or whatever they call it.

"But hold on," you say. "George Lopez isn't fat." Good observation, you. You clearly watch a lot of George Lopez. You're also wrong. He's a fat man who had to swipe his wife's kidney, because both of his were disintegrating. He's like his beloved Scarface in the last third of his endless movie. All it'll take is a push--one wrap-party beer too many, or an over-emphatic "arriba"--to seal his fate.

Besides, even the slender have fared poorly in the comedic-Western genre. After Blazin' Saddles the highlights of Cleavon Little's career include a couple episodes of Alf and MacGuyver, the sequel to Fletch, and colon cancer. Ditto Gene Wilder, excluding Stir Crazy. Likewise, The Three Amigos sent Chevy Chase into exile in sequel-land and Steve Martin into his insufferable "serious comedy" phase (Planes, Trains, & Automobiles was already in post-production). So far the only actor to make it out of the desert alive and faculties in tact has been Martin Short, and he has still been doomed to have nobody but Scharpling & Wurster appreciate the greatness of Clifford.

"Wait," you cry. "The Insane Clown Posse just finished making Big Money Rustlas! They're fat and they're still alive!" Not to split hairs here, but the fact of the matter is Big Money Rustlas is not supposed to be a comedy, but rather a Western-themed juggalo-exploitation flick. It also does not count as a comedy as I can guarantee you that none of its attempted jokes will induce anything approximating laughter in a non-juggalo audience. Candy and Farley were hilarious dudes, and their death-blow films were at least passably OK. The only way George Lopez is going to avoid dying is to make his Speedy Gonzalez movie so unfunny as to disqualify it from categorization as "comedy."

In conclusion, George Lopez is going to live forever.

EDWARD PETRENKO