HAMILTON'S PHARMACOPIA - SCAMIFLU!

Only a couple weeks ago some drunk guy at a party was shouting at me about swine flu and I had no idea what he was talking about. Now pandemic profiteers are selling

Tamiflu

(one of swine flu's only treatments) for more than $300 a box. By weight that's 14 times more valuable than gold. I just got this hysterical email from an online pharmacy selling the stuff:

Dear Hamilton Morris,

We still have stock of Tamiflu & Relenza and you still have time to purchase a supply of this Avian/Swine Flu treatment for your family before the situation gets any worse. Have you ever tried to buy a life saving medication at the time of a pandemic when everyone just starts to realize they could die without it?

Do you have any idea what people will do for the Avian/Swine Flu treatment when this virus endangers their community? Is it really worth the risk to wait and find out? You CAN NOT AFFORD to take a chance with your family's wellbeing—none of us can. We each have a responsibility to take care of those we love and preparing for deadly threats such as the Avian/Swine Flu is no exception.

We hope you make the right decision, and fast.

Stocks will not last long.

So now that Tamiflu is the most valuable commodity in the world I wonder what the future will yield. Tamiflu jewelry? Will the dentist offer me Tamiflu fillings when I get a cavity? The world's Olympic athletes will compete for a Tamiflu medal, and Sister Act IV will star Whoopi Tamifluberg? I was looking over the synthesis of Tamiflu, and it could be made by an industrious fellow such as myself. I could whip up a few kilos and start a Tamiflu stand on Bedford Avenue—is that hot? In the future will it be the guys who can synthesize Tamiflu who get all the babes?

I'm not even afraid of swine flu. Try as I might to be scared, I'm calling this one out as a fad-pandemic. Its not like I enjoy getting diseases. My roommate has syphilis and I go to great lengths not to drink from any cups he has used, but against

Joe Biden's advice

I still inhale the coughs and sneezes of other commuters on the L each morning, thirstily savoring each microbe. You see, the issue is not influenza or dwindling supplies of anti-viral medications, the issue is fear of death. Try my proven flu remedy: fear not death.

Regardless of swine flu, I do think the near future will bring a global economic collapse and drugs will become the only currency. My roommate, who one would think has very good reason to buy into this, actually disagrees with me on this matter, but we'll see. All I'm saying is liquidate your savings and stockpile Adderall and Penicillin (Tamiflu if you want, but it'll just be a status symbol)—weed will always be worth more than gold. In a few years that will be all that matters.

HAMILTON MORRIS