April 17th is International Kick-A-Swan Day

Everyone knows that swans are beautiful majestic birds, they’re cute little metaphors in children’s stories that teach us about getting beautiful after our ugly stage, or scenery in poems by Wordsworth about lakes and people being “gay” together. We even admire perfect rows of them flowing down a river as a symbol of love and family.

But you know what? Fuck swans. Anyone who’s ever met one of these feathered goblins know that they’re vicious monsters that just flap around like they own the place, lay down humongous turds in the most inopportune places, and as of late, straight up murder people. That’s right, some poor guy in England had his untimely demise at the hands of one these shitty bird-giants that everyone seems to adore. Apparently this swan was vindictive enough to knock him off of his kayak and then lethally peck him to death as he attempted to swim ashore.

The historical precedence for mindless swan loving goes way back, too. In fact, that aging sow with a crown known as the Queen owns every single swan in the country of England thanks to a statute dating from 1186 called the “Act of Swans” which to my mind makes her an accessory to murder. Until 1998 it was actually treasonous to kill a swan.

I’m from Canada where animals are the enemy. Keep your guard down and you might get wacked by one. I should know, I kicked a swan’s ass in self-defense, and I don’t regret it one bit.

Two years ago in England while walking along a pathway traversing a moonlit pond on the way home from a jolly night of boozing, suddenly, totally unprovoked, one of these behemoths takes a run at me in an ambushed attack of pecking, scratching, and biting. It must’ve been nesting in the middle of the pathway, clearly not giving a shit about the humans who used it. Fearing for my life, and in a drunken fit of rage I’ve never been able to match; I started kicking and throwing wild haymakers at this beautiful creature. Finally I snatched its greasy neck and started punching it square in the face. I’m not sure but I may have even head locked it. Once the swan stopped attacking me and started getting all lifeless, I let it go and ran the fuck away, leaving behind a honking mess of white feathers and hopefully a lot of swan blood. When I got far enough and looked behind me the swan had vanished, as if it managed to survive, proving once again that they’re probably magical creatures that survive on hate and Jew blood.

Anyways, in an effort to protect us against these winged sociopaths and in memory of Anthony Hensley, I’m declaring April 17th, international “Kick-a-Swan Day.” Hopefully we can all do our part and kick enough of these raging assholes in the head to make them go extinct.

In case you don’t believe me, checkout these videos where swans take advantage of their image as stately birds only to covertly use it as a ruse for fucking shit up: