Capturing Bin Laden: Dos and Dont's

Gary Brooks Faulkner, as his brother pointed out on The Today Show, is "not an average American". Gary Brooks Faulkner is greedy, impatient, gluttonous, when it comes to killing Osama Bin Laden. "He's a real patriot," Dr Scott Faulkner continued, by way of explaining how his bro had come to be arrested by Pakistani police while attempting to cross the border into Afghanistan, armed with a pistol, a ceremonial sword, and an almighty lust for the blood of Osama. "Obviously, our mother wasn't wild about the idea, she tried to talk him out of it."

Of course, it is every American's sacred duty to kill Bin Laden, should they stumble upon him. This is holy truth. In fact it is probably in the American Constitution if you look hard enough.

The get-out clause, is of course proximity to Bin Laden. If you can't see the whites of his eyes, no need to start ack-acking with your sub, is there? Obviously, if you found yourself stood next to him at the urinal, you'd shove his head under the hand-dryer till his eyeballs melted, then march to your nearest FBI office to claim your $25 million reward, but that scenario is improbable. No, like a fisherman, the average American must use their patience, Zen and guile. They must wait for Osama to come to them. If Mohammed cannot go to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed. Occasionally, they might leave a trail of Qu'ranic verses leading up to their door to entice him. Or plant an irresistible mini-model of the Twin Towers in their bay window. Mostly, though, they do not spend seven years making six private trips to the Afghan region to act as a one-man Jihad-busting army. But that’s because they’re pussies not fit to polish Gary Faulkner’s bullets.

For all intents and purposes, Dr Scott Faulkner gave the impression of being a thoroughly reasonable man, but his brother's haphazard mission failed, utterly. As he now languishes in a Peshawar jail, it feels like Americans have lost touch with first-principles when it comes to capturing terror masterminds. This is clearly the moment to do a quick recap on the basics of capturing Bin Laden.

CAPTURING BIN LADEN: DOS AND DON'TS

- DO take a windcheater. The Peshawar region is some 1000 feet above sea level, and the mountainous terrain leads to strong draughts. Although hot in the summer, it is difficult to describe the biting windchill factor to those with no previous experience of the region.

- DON'T ask people where you can find Bin Laden. They get that a lot. It is the easiest way to identify yourself as a tourist, short of wearing an "I <3 Peshawar" t-shirt.

- DO bring a dialysis machine. Osama is popularly reported to be suffering from kidney failure. If you wish to take him alive, you'll need to remove excess urea from his blood-system three times a week. These units generally weigh in excess of 100kg, so it may be necessary to take a trailer.

- DON'T forget to tip. The Peshawar region norms are around 10% for good service in a restaurant, and around 10 US cents per mile for cabbies.

- DO bring a gun. Osama has had professional weapons-training, famously supplied to him by the CIA. If you begin to come into his range of visibility, keep low, and if possible wear camo. If, like Brooks, you wish to bring a sword, unlike Brooks, it ought to be a proper killing-based sword, not a ceremonial one. Ceremonial swords are excellent if you wish to partake in The Trooping Of The Colour. Less so if you wish to behead a terror mastermind.

- DON'T forget to pay a visit the Sethi Mohallah district in downtown Peshawar - an area that bristles with unique houses that blend the art and architecture of both the Gandhara region and Central Asia, to charming effect.

- DO break up the area map into little squares. Once you have combed a square, and are satisfied that Bin Laden isn't there, simply cross it off and move onto the next one.

- DON'T kill innocent bystanders. Many of the problems that NATO military face in Afghanistan at present can be traced back to indiscriminate bombing of the region. It is difficult to win the trust of locals whose sisters you have recently atomised. Bin Laden understands how to use this fact to his advantage, which is why he is excellent at mingling at parties.

- DO remember to enjoy yourself!